MPF Ranks the Muppets

Last night we saw “The Muppet Movie.” I don’t know if it was a quid pro quo per se for going to see the Hold Steady at the Riv on Friday, but I ended up liking the film more than I thought I would.

There are a lot of characters in the movie. Some I liked, some I didn’t, some I ignored. Here are my rankings of all the Muppets worth mentioning.

1. Sam the American Eagle
   Sam is the greatest of all Muppets, just like America is the greatest of all countries. He upholds decency and American values. He is the Constitution of Muppets, the White Album of Muppets, the Cal Ripken of Muppets.
   
   
2. Statler and
3. Waldorf
   Statler gets the edge for being more of an instigator of cynical humor, whereas Waldorf picks up the loose ends and the lines already set up for him by Statler. But don’t get me wrong, it’s a thin line: they are both completely awesome Muppets.
   
   
4. Fozzie BearHe tells jokes. He drives a Studebaker. He helps Kermit not get killed early in the movie at the El Sleezo Cafe. He pulls out a guitar at one point. And, as this photo proves, he sometimes wears a backwards “PRESS” badge in his fedora.
   
   
5. RowlfI know, I know, I wasn’t expecting a dog to rank this high either. But Rowlf is cool. He plays piano, has a not-too-optimistic worldview, and has good lines in the movie. Example: describing the end of an okay night out, he says, “I’ll just have a couple beers, take myself for a walk, and go to bed.” And like Fozzie, he also has some journalistic experience, as the photo shows.
   
   
6. Kermit the FrogThe hero, the symbol of all Muppets. Kermit plays banjo and gets high marks for leading the gang on a journey to follow their dreams, but loses points for taking that trip to Hollywood (land of phonies) and thinking it would be better than the small town he came from. He also dates Miss Piggy (keep reading for more on that) and has a nasally singing voice that can be grating on a solo like “Rainbow Connection.”
   
   
7. SweetumsI thought this guy’s name was Jack. No wonder I couldn’t find him on Google. Turns out that was the job he had at Milton Berle’s car lot, not his name. Anyway, look at him. He’s fricking enormous and could probably snap any of us in half. And yet he does not use his size for violence. Due to a misunderstanding he spends the whole movie trying to catch up to the gang, and you gotta feel for him.
   
   Bonus picture of Sweetums delivering a speech on the underlying themes of man's struggles with technology evidenced in the writings of Michel Foucault.
   
   
8. Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem Band (Dr. Teeth – keyboards; Sgt. Floyd Pepper – guitar; Zoot – saxophone; Janice - guitar, vocals; Animal – drums)
   These guys are all pretty much the same to me. I didn’t really discern any personality amongst any of them except Animal, who is a total nutcase.
   
   
9. BeakerBeaker mumbles and blows shit up. That’s cool.
   
   
10. AnimalThe only member of the band to get his own entry, cause he’s grade-A nuts. They gotta keep a chain around his neck like the Gimp so he doesn’t go berserk. I don’t particularly like or dislike Animal, but I respect that he is a barely coherent lunatic.
    
    
11. Swedish ChefBORK BORK BORK. I always thought he said “boorsha boorsha” or something like that. It’s highly unlikely thousands of fanatical Muppet fans on the Intergoogles are wrong and I’m right. Much like the above two entries, if you can't speak in understandable complete sentences, you are not going to break the Top Five.
    
    
12. The Great Gonzo
    
    
    I can hear TM saying, "No, not that one!!"
    
    OK, this Gonzo was nothing special. I don’t remember particularly liking him as a kid, and no one knows if he’s a bird or what. At least most of the characters at the top of the list have the courtesy to have their species in their name.
    
    
13. Dr. Bunson Honeydew
    
    Bunson invents cool stuff like the instant growth pills that make Animal enormous (a plot device I saw coming a mile away, by the way. I knew the nutjob would eat all the pills). Anyway, science is boring, so he scores low.
    
    
14. Camilla the ChickenWhat a waste of a character. I don’t understand what she was doing in the movie. Even Sam the Eagle, who was almost invisible, had more lines than the chicken. Added nothing to the film.
    
    
15. ScooterCan't imagine what this guy did to get arrested. The band manager, or roadie, or hanger-on, or whatever. Looks like a nerd, had no impact on the movie.
    
    
16. Everybody else (the boomerang fish guy, the explosions guy, anyone who wasn’t in the movie, etc)
    Ehhhh .... if I can't remember your name .... you ain't worth it.
    
    
17. RobinWhy does Kermit need a nephew? I couldn’t even find a decent picture of him alone, so I’m including this one of Bernadette Peters, who is twice as lovely and funny as Robin.
    
    
18. Miss PiggySelfish, self-centered and vaguely French. Her arrogance and shoddy treatment of the Frog earn major negative points with me, landing her squarely in last place.

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A second Hunter Thompson picture isn't absolutely necessary, but this quote is.