Monday, May 11, 2009

Local News Roundup

I pulled the top stories off the news wire. --MPF.

Driver on Cell Phone Stops for Pedestrians at Intersection
CHICAGO (AP) – Onlookers watched in shock today as a driver talking on a cell phone came to an unprecedented complete stop before almost running down two pedestrians.

The near-accident occurred around 11 am at the corner of Diversey Boulevard and Sheffield Avenue on the city’s North Side. A black Cadillac southbound on Sheffield making a legal right turn entered the intersection as two individuals also attempted to cross the street.

“I looked to my left and saw this woman gabbing away,” said one pedestrian, who only gave his name as “Matt.” “We were already a couple steps into the crosswalk, and I thought we were goners. Cell phone drivers never stop for anybody.”

Witnesses said the driver was a blonde woman in her mid-40s. She gave no indication that she saw the pedestrians, given her animated cell phone conversation.

“I just thank my lucky stars she wasn’t painting her nails,” said the other pedestrian, who gave her name as “Teresa.”

The driver could not be identified, as she continued talking and steering after the near-miss.

Clueless Nerd Can’t Figure Out Why Shatner, Nimoy Look So Young
CHICAGO (AP) – Clueless nerd Lance Allerby, 48, wondered aloud how the makers of the newest “Star Trek” movie made aging actors William Shatner and Leonard Nimoy appear so youthful. “Those guys have to be in their 70s,” mused Allerby. “The TV show first came out in 1966. Is it computer tricks, or did they splice together old clips from the early years of the series?” Psychologists at the University of Illinois-Chicago encouraged Allerby to get out a little and perhaps talk to girls.

Drew Peterson Now Wishes He Hadn’t Been So Smug
BOLINGBROOK, Ill. (AP) – In his first jailhouse interview since being arrested for the death of his third wife, Drew Peterson admitted he should not have been so cavalier with the media while under suspicion.

“Looking back on it, I probably shouldn’t have taunted authorities like that,” Peterson told reporters. “The mugging for cameras, the morning show blitz, the stunt with the new fiancée … that probably just pissed people off.” Peterson, who was reportedly set to appear in an HBO reality show about a brothel, agreed that the idea of drowning in an empty bathtub “was pretty weak, but what does it say about law enforcement in Illinois that it took them five years to get me?”

Fellow unconvicted double-murderer Orenthal James Simpson, 61, of Las Vegas, was unavailable for comment, as he was being held at the Lovelock Correctional Center in Lovelock, Nev., on charges relating to a September 2007 robbery.

Michigan's State Economy Now Based On ‘Pure Michigan’ Ads
CHICAGO (AP) – At a regional economic development conference here, Michigan officials announced that the health of the state economy is now dependent on evocative “Pure Michigan” advertisements. “With the near-collapse of the auto industry, it’s time to remember a childhood swimming hole,” Gov. Jennifer Granholm said slowly, with a dreamy piano tinkling in the background. After a pause, she added, “Play some golf. Find the perfect antique. Don’t mention Detroit. Have the perfect romantic getaway.” Economic development director Stanley "Skip" Pruss acknowledged that the ubiquitous ads incur more expense in airing than tourism revenue generates.


Anonymous said...

I let out an audible snicker at the Trek entry.

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