Saturday, July 09, 2011

The Devil Warming a 'Special Hot Seat' for Tabloid Voicemail Hackers

Makes Ominous Promise: 'I've Got Ideas' for Murdoch, Brooks

NEW YORK--Satan, the Guardian of Hell, made a rare appearance on Earth to announce that he was preparing a "special hot seat" for the British tabloid employees who hacked the phones of murder victims and their family members.

"What those tabloid people did was some fucked up shit, pardon my French," declared the king of the underworld. "I mean, just this morning before I came up here, Pol Pot elbowed me and showed me a newspaper article about the case. He didn't even say anything, just shook his head and walked away. Pol Pot!"

It was revealed this week that employees at News of the World, a tabloid newspaper in London, had broken into the voicemail accounts of not only celebrities, but also targeted the phone of Milly Dowler, a 13-year-old girl abducted and killed in 2002.

A few days later the list of hacking victims was widened to include the family members of the 2005 terrorist attacks, and soldiers killed in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Photographers were able to capture this image before Satan disappeared in a puff of smoke.

The Devil, describing himself as "quite familar" with evil behavior, said the revelations required him to take visible, public action.

"To break into the voicemail of celebrities, that's cruel, unethical, blah blah blah," said the entity also known as Lucifer or Beelzebub. "Murder victims? This newspaper deleted voicemail messages, making the family think their child was still alive. I got a special place for people like that down at my place. I call it Special Hell.

"Rebecca Brooks? Enjoy your living days while you got 'em. I've got ideas. Andy Coulson? More like Andy HOT-son, when I get started on you."

Rupert Murdoch, chief executive of News Corp., decided to shut down the tabloid. But it was too little too late, according to the Prince of Darkness.

"Oh yeah, I've had my eye on 'Rupy', as we call him here," Satan said. "Now there's a long-term project of mine. There's a special hot seat I've got that ... you know, I'll let him find out."

The Devil took only a few questions before leaving and provided few details on his plans, saying only that the News of the World people were "on notice, and that's good enough for now." Asked why he chose a hotel on Manhattan's East Side, instead of London where the activities took place, for the site of his press conference, the Devil shrugged. "I guess it's always good to come back home," he grinned.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

This is BS. Lol