Can't you just see this girl smashing a slate over Gilbert's head?Many of you know that I am a great lover of all things Anne. While I adore the 1985 made for television version (which was just re-released in widescreen HD… my copy is on the way) I can’t help but imagine the wonders that modern day cinema could do with a story as classic as Anne’s.
Megan Follows:the classic Anne.
Well, maybe Hollywood doesn’t think there is an actress with enough spirit to play Anne Shirley but I disagree. Ms. Steinfeld, the 14-year-old actress who is nominated for an Oscar for her portrayal of Mattie Ross in True Grit, has not only the pluck but the braids needed to make a successful Anne.
Carrots? Nobody calls me Carrots!
In the new version of True Grit, the character of Mattie Ross is much like Anne Shirley. A headstrong, willful young woman with grace and poise beyond her years (all of which Ms. Steinfield captured beautifully). She is also whip smart, has a fast tongue, and won’t take no for an answer.
Donny: Are these the Nazis, Walter?
Walter Sobchak: No, Donny, these men are nihilists, there's nothing to be afraid of.
There are a lot of characters in the movie. Some I liked, some I didn’t, some I ignored. Here are my rankings of all the Muppets worth mentioning.
Sam is the greatest of all Muppets, just like America is the greatest of all countries. He upholds decency and American values. He is the Constitution of Muppets, the White Album of Muppets, the Cal Ripken of Muppets.
Statler gets the edge for being more of an instigator of cynical humor, whereas Waldorf picks up the loose ends and the lines already set up for him by Statler. But don’t get me wrong, it’s a thin line: they are both completely awesome Muppets.
He tells jokes. He drives a Studebaker. He helps Kermit not get killed early in the movie at the El Sleezo Cafe. He pulls out a guitar at one point. And, as this photo proves, he sometimes wears a backwards “PRESS” badge in his fedora.
I know, I know, I wasn’t expecting a dog to rank this high either. But Rowlf is cool. He plays piano, has a not-too-optimistic worldview, and has good lines in the movie. Example: describing the end of an okay night out, he says, “I’ll just have a couple beers, take myself for a walk, and go to bed.” And like Fozzie, he also has some journalistic experience, as the photo shows.
The hero, the symbol of all Muppets. Kermit plays banjo and gets high marks for leading the gang on a journey to follow their dreams, but loses points for taking that trip to Hollywood (land of phonies) and thinking it would be better than the small town he came from. He also dates Miss Piggy (keep reading for more on that) and has a nasally singing voice that can be grating on a solo like “Rainbow Connection.”
I thought this guy’s name was Jack. No wonder I couldn’t find him on Google. Turns out that was the job he had at Milton Berle’s car lot, not his name. Anyway, look at him. He’s fricking enormous and could probably snap any of us in half. And yet he does not use his size for violence. Due to a misunderstanding he spends the whole movie trying to catch up to the gang, and you gotta feel for him.
These guys are all pretty much the same to me. I didn’t really discern any personality amongst any of them except Animal, who is a total nutcase.
Beaker mumbles and blows shit up. That’s cool.
The only member of the band to get his own entry, cause he’s grade-A nuts. They gotta keep a chain around his neck like the Gimp so he doesn’t go berserk. I don’t particularly like or dislike Animal, but I respect that he is a barely coherent lunatic.
BORK BORK BORK. I always thought he said “boorsha boorsha” or something like that. It’s highly unlikely thousands of fanatical Muppet fans on the Intergoogles are wrong and I’m right. Much like the above two entries, if you can't speak in understandable complete sentences, you are not going to break the Top Five.
OK, this Gonzo was nothing special. I don’t remember particularly liking him as a kid, and no one knows if he’s a bird or what. At least most of the characters at the top of the list have the courtesy to have their species in their name.
Bunson invents cool stuff like the instant growth pills that make Animal enormous (a plot device I saw coming a mile away, by the way. I knew the nutjob would eat all the pills). Anyway, science is boring, so he scores low.
What a waste of a character. I don’t understand what she was doing in the movie. Even Sam the Eagle, who was almost invisible, had more lines than the chicken. Added nothing to the film.
Can't imagine what this guy did to get arrested. The band manager, or roadie, or hanger-on, or whatever. Looks like a nerd, had no impact on the movie.
Ehhhh .... if I can't remember your name .... you ain't worth it.
Why does Kermit need a nephew? I couldn’t even find a decent picture of him alone, so I’m including this one of Bernadette Peters, who is twice as lovely and funny as Robin.
Selfish, self-centered and vaguely French. Her arrogance and shoddy treatment of the Frog earn major negative points with me, landing her squarely in last place.
