P62013: Week 4 Is a Good Time to Look Back

Listen to this cool, languid song while you read this week's update. It's fitting.



Games watched: Clemson-NC State (Thurs), Boise-Fresno (Fri), Iowa-Western Mitten (2nd half), La Tech-Kansas (the very end, to see if Kansas would lose), Sparty-Notre Dame, Tennessee-Florida (2nd TV), Arizona St.-Stanford, Auburn-LSU, Utah-BYU. 

Last week I looked at the upcoming slate of games and thought, to quote second-year Pick Sixer "LizzieBear":

There was only one game between ranked teams. That was the only loss in the entire Top 25. The top 14 of this week's poll is the same as last week. There are 47 teams active in the game (the top 25 and 22 Pick Sixths), and there were only seven matchups between teams in the game. None of them really mattered.

In short: nothing changed. Arizona State (loser of that Top 25 matchup) is out, Fresno State is in. No teams really moved up or down in the poll, so no players really moved.

So let's take a minute to look back on the first four weeks of the season. The highest ranked team to fall out of the poll is Texas (preseason No. 15). Nebraska, Boise, Oregon State and Southern Cal also have departed.

Poor Texas. (I can say that because I picked them.) After their Week 3 loss to Ole Miss, things were bad. According to a comment on Burnt Orange Nation, this was the first since Texas had back-to-back losses of 19+ points since 1994. Yeouwch. I don't think we'll see the Longhorns in the Top 25 anytime soon. also from the same article: "This is the 8th time in our last 13 games an opponent has set a career high in rushing."

Here's another question: who had the best road win (not neutral site) in the first four weeks? The clear answer is Alabama over then-No. 6 Texas A&M in Week 3. Here are some other nominees:

Week 1: FSU at Pitt. That assumes that Pitt is good enough to brag about beating. Pitt is 2-1, so maybe.

Week 2: Oregon at Virginia. Of course, Oregon should win that game, no matter where it is. 

Week 3: #1 Alabama hangs on to win at #6 Texas A&M 49-42

Week 3: Ole Miss at Texas? On paper that looks good, but there are two weeks of evidence that Texas is awful. The win over K-State is a minor reassurance, but we'll need more evidence. 

Week 3: Ohio State at Cal? Maybe, but Cal lost to a I-AA school and Northwestern. 

Week 3: Notre Dame at Purdue? ND played awful for three quarters and then stole a victory with a furious late comeback. Plus, it's Purdue. That shouldn't be a note-worthy win. 
Week 3: UCLA at Nebraska. If Nebraska gets their defense in order, that might look good by the end of the year. 

Checking in on Iowa: After losing to a MAC school in Week 1, Iowa has rolled off three straight wins. The Missouri State and ISU wins were not impressive. Yesterday's 59-3 win over Western Mitten was impressive.

At the beginning of the year, the math to get a bowl was simple: win the four non-conference games, beat the two weakest conference foes on the slate, Minnesota and Purdue, lose the rest and you're 6-6. Now with that NIU loss, Iowa has to find another potential victory among Michigan State, Northwestern or Nebraska, and still beat the two weaklings. Before Saturday, I would have thought that impossible. But after Iowa scored 59 at home and Michigan State scored 13 on the road, I have a shred of optimism.

Enough jibber jabber, who's winning?

I telegraphed this, but in case you weren't paying attention, "Dirty Diapers" keeps the lead. Until Alabama, A&M or Florida State loses, get used to this picture. Top dog: "SuperPups" in 3rd. Top kid: "Daddy's reason to like softball" in 12th (tie). Top kitty: my furry little friend Franklin "The F Bomb" in 19th (tie).

The links:

P62013 Scoreboard
Points for each team
AP Top 25 Poll

Next week: Much better games on the docket, including Georgia-LSU and Ohio State-Wisconsin.

How Are You Going to Get Better?

In a somewhat summer tradition, I take a look at Iowa and Notre Dame and try to figure out how they can possibly improve upon last year's record. Because every fan wants their team to get better, but it boils down to beating someone you lost to last year (and not losing a game you won last year).

This year, I'm looking back to see if my predictions were even close. Let's start with Iowa.

Last summer I wrote:

How does Iowa get better? It takes a fair amount of optimism. ... I don't see an improvement on 7-5 with a real chance for a backslide.

Now we know that was unfortunately true.

Iowa: 2010 vs. 2011

2010 Opp.	Result	2011 Opp.	Result
E. Illinois	Win	Tenn. Tech	Win
Ia. State	Win	@Ia. State	Loss (-1)
@Arizona	Loss	Pitt	Win (even)
Ball St.	Win	ULM	Win
Penn St.	Win	@Penn St.	Loss (-1)
@Michigan	Win	N'western	Win
Wisconsin	Loss	Indiana	Win (even)
Mich. St.	Win	@Minnesota	Loss (-1)
@Indiana	Win	Michigan	Win
@N'western	Loss	Mich. St.	Loss (-2)
Ohio St.	Loss	@Purdue	Win (-1)
Minnesota	Loss	@Nebraska	Loss

Iowa did not get better, and not surprisingly so. They lost their All-Star uberpatriot QB Ricky Stanzi and All-Everything DL Adrian Clayborn. You don't get better by losing that kind of talent. A 7-5 regular season led to Iowa again being overmatched against a better Big 12 squad in the Insight Bowl, but this time Oklahoma crushed Iowa 31-14.  That bowl loss dropped them to 7-6.  

Going into the final year of the Mandenberg, James Vandenberg, how will Iowa get better?

Iowa: 2011 vs. 2012

2011 Opp.	Result	2012 Opp.	Result
Tenn. Tech	Win	vs. No. Illinois	?
@Ia. State	Loss	Ia. State	?
Pitt	Win	Northern Iowa	?
ULM	Win	Central Mich.	?
@Penn St.	Loss	Minnesota	?
N'western	Win	@Mich. St.	?
Indiana	Win	Penn State	?
@Minnesota	Loss	@N'western	?
Michigan	Win	@Indiana	?
Mich. St.	Loss	Purdue	?
@Purdue	Win	@Michigan	?
@Nebraska	Loss	Nebraska	?

Improving on 7-6: it's possible. For starters, BEAT IOWA FUCKING STATE. Losing to a guy named Steele Jantz in triple overtime, a guy who couldn't even keep his job midway through the season, leaves a bitter taste. Losing to 3-9 Minnesota, even if it was a home game for them, was pretty awful. They both come to Iowa City, so those two rivalry losses should become wins. You can put Penn State in the same category: home game for Iowa, and who knows where they will be mentally or physically come midseason. Those are three strong candidates to flip.

Michigan State is probably still a loss. Despite their exodus of offensive talent, it will be Iowa's first true road game on Oct. 13, and that almost never goes well when the first road test is that late in the season. And even though Nebraska is a home game this year, I don't see that flipping. So I see two automatic losses here, but only two. I figure that Iowa's luck against Michigan can't hold, and something else (probably Northwestern) will go horribly wrong. So call it 8-4, with a ceiling of 9-3. Given the problems at running back, I would definitely take that.

As for Notre Dame, last summer I wrote:

How does Notre Dame get better? First off, Navy damn well better become a win. No more of this losing to Navy shit; Kelly and Diaco should have learned that.  ... As for retaining wins: Purdue, BC, Wake Forest (replacing Western Michigan if only for the "W" in their name), Maryland (replacing Utah), and Air Force (replacing Army) are all winnable. Pitt SHOULD be winnable but it is a home game for them. ... That's still a net gain of two for a regular season of 9-3, which I would take as solid improvement over 7-5 and 6-6 the year before.

An the results?

Notre Dame: 2010 vs. 2011

2010 Opp.	Result	2011 Opp.	Result
Purdue	Win	So. Fla	Loss (-1)
Michigan	Loss	@Michigan	Loss
@Michigan St.	Loss	Michigan St.	Win (even)
Stanford	Loss	@Pitt	Win (+1)
@BC	Win	@Purdue	Win (+2)
Pitt	Win	Air Force	Win
W. Michigan	Win	Southern Cal	Loss (+1)
Navy	Loss	Navy	Win (+2)
Tulsa	Loss	@Wake Forest	Win (+3)
Utah	Win	vs. Maryland	Win
Army	Win	BC	Win
Southern Cal	Win	@Stanford	Loss (+2)

8-4 in the regular season isn't shabby. They only played two teams ranked at gametime, but that excludes Michigan, who finished with an inexplicable, luckiest bullshittiest BCS victory in the history of ever, and Southern Cal, who got as high as #10 and finished their season 10-2 by trouncing rival UCLA 50-0. At one point they were three games better than the same point in the previous year (7-3 vs. 4-5 after the Tulsa debacle). And not screwing the pooch against either South Florida or Michigan would have delivered that 9-3 I predicted.

Even with the bowl loss to Florida State, ND has a positive trajectory, winning 6 in Charlie Weis' last year, 7 in Brian Kelly's first year, and 8 in 2011.

So can they win 9 in 2012?

No. Too many factors prevent the improvement from continuing. Since this a post about schedule, let's take a look:

Notre Dame: 2011 vs. 2012

2011 Opp.	Result	2012 Opp.	Result
So. Fla	Loss	vs. Navy	?
@Michigan	Loss	Purdue	?
Michigan St.	Win	@Michigan St.	?
@Pitt	Win	Michigan	?
@Purdue	Win	vs. Miami	?
Air Force	Win	Stanford	?
Southern Cal	Loss	BYU	?
Navy	Win	@Oklahoma	?
@Wake Forest	Win	Pitt	?
vs. Maryland	Win	BC	?
BC	Win	Wake	?
@Stanford	Loss	@Southern Cal	?

That is Phil Steele's #1 hardest schedule for 2012. Yes, his preseason (meaning where he thinks they will finish the season) poll's #2 (@Oklahoma), #4 (@Southern Cal), #18 (Stanford), #19 (@Michigan State) and #22 (Michigan). It also includes a trip to Ireland to face the triple-option offense, an offsite home game against erratic but talented Miami, and two less talented but pain-in-the-ass quasi-rivals (BC and Purdue). Replacing South Florida with Miami and Maryland with Oklahoma are severe challenges. (Air Force for BYU doesn't concern me.)

I see no way Notre Dame gets better in 2012. If they finish 9-3, put them in a top-tier bowl, because it means they won two or three games they shouldn't have while losing none they should have won. 

How the Hell Am I Supposed To Keep Track of These Divisions?

The biggest story of the 2010 offseason (conference realignment) has become one of the most exciting changes of 2011. There were some trivial moves amongst the irrelevant Western schools, but by far the biggest and most important was the addition of Nebraska to the Big Ten.

I was wondering if I would ever re-use this picture. Hah hah just kidding, Kelly.

The Big Ten does not take on newcomers lightly. Hell I remember when Michigan State was the new kid on the block ... and they joined in 1949. In fact before Nebraska only three schools had joined our venerable institution in the 20th century: Columbus Community College The Ohio State University (1912), Sparty and Penn State (1990).

The addition of Nebraska means many things for the conference...a natural rivalry game for Iowa, an immediate contender for the championship, a conference title game ... but the most important is this:

How the hell are you supposed to remember who is in these new divisions?

Luckily for you the not-as-fanatical-as-MPF football fan, I'm here to help. Let's start with the basics.

One Division: Iowa, Michigan, Michigan State, Minnesota, Nebraska, Northwestern

The Other Division: Illinois, Indiana, Ohio State, Penn State, Purdue, Wisconsin

That's all well and good, but that's not very easy to remember. After all, smart conferences divided their divisions with clean geographic lines. The Big Texas, formerly known as the Big XII, drew a line along the southern borders of Kansas and Missouri and split into the North and the South. (And much like the Union 150 years ago, that split didn't work out too well.) The SEC likewise has the East and the West. So even if you don't pay much attention to SEC football, you can probably look at a map and realize Florida and Georgia = East and Mississippi/Louisiana/Arkansas-based schools = West.

Getting back to our conference: you've realized there is not a clean geographic split (even though they could have drawn a line between Illinois and Indiana and had six on each side). What about mnemonics? Creating a word out of an acronym?

I suggest "MAIN" and "WOPPII." "Main" is a bastardization of "mmmIAnn" which is the three "M" schools (Michigan, Mitten State and Minny), IowA, and the two "NU"s (Armani and Husker). "WOPPII" represents Wisky, Ohio State, Purdue, Penn State, Indiana and Illinois.

Okay, so maybe you're more visual. Let's go back to geography then. Here are the 12 campuses, with colored dots for each division:


If you prefer to think about the East and West split, just envision these circles:


That's all well and good, but still not super helpful.

However, another way to look at it is this:


These shapes make a sideways blue "C" and a red "L". "Bluesy" has a nice ring to it, and conveniently includes Chicago, home of the blues and awesome American Buddy Guy. The "Red L" (also a Chicago reference, now that I think about it--damn.) contains three "red" schools (Wisky, OSU and Indy), and yeah, looks like an "L". And "Riddell" is the name of an athletics company, so that's pretty easy to remember.

So there you have it: "Bluesy" and "Reddell." Or "Main" and "Swoppii." Hell, it's no worse than "Leaders" and Legends," right?

How Are You Going to Get Better?

Apropos of nothing, here's a song by the Baseball Project to listen to while you read (opens in new window).

Every fan wants their team to be better than the year before. But for all the talk about recruiting, scheme changes, hot new coordinators and senior leadership, it comes down to this: beating somebody you lost to last year. Conversely, a slide can be caused by the loss of talent or a head coach, but it will be manifested in a loss to somebody you beat last year. (jump to Notre Dame section)

For a perfect example, look at 2010 for the two programs from the football-crazed state of Alabama. The flagship university Crimson Tide were coming off a national championship season. They were a near-universal pick for No. 1 in the preseason. But at 14-0, they had nowhere to go but down. Across the state, the Auburn Tigers finished 8-5 under a first-year head coach and were bringing in a new QB from the juco ranks. Expectations were somewhat muted (23rd nationally in consensus preseason polls).

Gratuitous Saban shot.

You may recall what happened: facing a tough schedule (multiple teams had byes before facing Alabama), the Tide lost to three teams they'd beaten in 2009: South Carolina, LSU, and the hated rivals in the Iron Bowl. Auburn rode Cam Newton and the taint of scandal to the national championship by avenging losses to Arkansas, Kentucky, Georgia, LSU, and the Bammers, while dropping no others along the way.

This by the way is the work of LSUFreek, gif master of the SEC.

Let's talk about this year and about the teams we actually care about: Iowa and Notre Dame. In 2010 Iowa underachieved their way to an 8-5 season, including a bowl win over Missouri. The losses were to Arizona, Ohio State, Wisconsin, Northwestern and Minnesota. By the way I attended two of those, lucky me. Close wins (candidates to swing the other way) were Missouri, Indiana and Michigan (not technically close since it was a 10-point win, but I'm including it because it sure felt close).

How does Iowa get better? It takes a fair amount of optimism. First, you have to retain all eight wins. Iowa State on the road in the Ferentz years is always an adventure. Michigan has the most exciting (not the best) player in the Big Ten, and he's now a junior with a non-idiot for a head coach. Iowa does not do well against spread-oriented teams, and eked by Michigan twice in a row. How long does that luck last? Michigan State has a senior QB (Kirk Cousins) and revenge on their mind (getting killed by Iowa kept Sparty out of the Rose Bowl and a shot at the national championship). That's three W's into Maybes. (I'm not concerned about the non-cons, Penn State or Indiana. Any bowl game is a toss-up.)

As for losses into wins: The non-conference loss @Ariz. could be replaced by a win at home vs. Pitt and all their coaching drama. You would think Iowa is capable of beating Northwestern and Minnesota midseason, as long as the QB and RB positions are settled, but Fitzgerald seems to have our number. That's three L's into weak Maybes. (Wisconsin is still a tough game, and suddenly depleted Ohio State is replaced by a season-ending border rivalry with the resurgent Huskers.) I don't see an improvement on 7-5 with a real chance for a backslide.

Iowa: 2010 vs. 2011

2010 Opp.	Result	2011 Opp.	Result
E. Illinois	Win	Tenn. Tech	?
Ia. State	Win	@Ia. State	?
@Arizona	Loss	Pitt	?
Ball St.	Win	ULM	?
Penn St.	Win	@Penn St.	?
@Michigan	Win	N'western	?
Wisconsin	Loss	Indiana	?
Mich. St.	Win	@Minnesota	?
@Indiana	Win	Michigan	?
@N'western	Loss	Mich. St.	?
Ohio St.	Loss	@Purdue	?
Minnesota	Loss	@Nebraska	?

Notre Dame also eked out an 8-5 but in a much different manner: limping to 4-5 and then closing with four straight wins including a bowl win over Miami. The losses were Michigan, Michigan State, Stanford, Navy and Tulsa. Close wins were Pitt and Southern Cal.

How does Notre Dame get better? First off, Navy damn well better become a win. No more of this losing to Navy shit; Kelly and Diaco should have learned that. You'd like to think we'll flip at least one of the Mitten/Mitten State combo into a win. Both were last-minute losses. Michigan, despite breaking in a new coach, will have a ton of motivation with the first ever night game at Michigan Library Stadium.

South Florida replaces Tulsa and I think in the home opener, that's a win. (Stanford is weaker without coach Harbaugh and FB/LB/bulldozer Owen Marecic, but Luck is still one of the best QBs in the game and I see this as a likely loss.) That is three L's into pretty reasonable W's.

As for retaining wins: Purdue, BC, Wake Forest (replacing Western Michigan if only for the "W" in their name), Maryland (replacing Utah), and Air Force (replacing Army) are all winnable. Pitt SHOULD be winnable but it is a home game for them. USC is a complete enigma as long as Kiffin is in charge. No doubt they will be motivated for the night game, but will they be disciplined? Talented? Prepared? Since it is unlikely to keep all eight in the win column, let's say one flips to a loss (any bowl game is a toss-up).

Notre Dame: 2010 vs. 2011

2010 Opp.	Result	2011 Opp.	Result
Purdue	Win	So. Fla	?
Michigan	Loss	@Michigan	?
@Michigan St.	Loss	Michigan St.	?
Stanford	Loss	@Pitt	?
@BC	Win	@Purdue	?
Pitt	Win	Air Force	?
W. Michigan	Win	Southern Cal	?
Navy	Loss	Navy	?
Tulsa	Loss	@Wake Forest	?
Utah	Win	vs. Maryland	?
Army	Win	BC	?
Southern Cal	Win	@Stanford	?

That's still a net gain of two for a regular season of 9-3, which I would take as solid improvement over 7-5 and 6-6 the year before.

Lee Elia Discusses the 2010 Hawkeyes

After starting the season with a Top 10 national ranking, the Iowa Hawkeyes limped to a 7-5 record Saturday, losing to the woeful Minnesota Gophers (more like “WOE-fers”) 27-24.

It has been a tough season for Hawkeye fans, so I decided to seek out a man who knows a little about venting, former Chicago Cubs manager Lee Elia. Luckily, I was able to track him down and have a conversation.

* * *

MPF004: Lee, thanks for taking time to talk with us today.

Elia: Thanks MPF, it’s great to be here.

MPF004: Let’s talk with the disappointment of these last few losses. Iowa fans are really feeling gut-punched.

Elia: It's unbelievable. It really is. It's a disheartening fuckin' situation we're in right now. Anybody who was associated with the Hawkeye organization 10 years ago that came back and sees the multitude of progress that's been made will understand that if they're football people, that 7 and 5 doesn't negate all that work.

MPF004: ‘Disheartening’ is a good word for it, I guess. Where would you put the blame? I don’t think anyone is calling for Ferentz to resign or anything, but these losses do point to an inability to make adjustments in close games. Does the coaching staff deserve that criticism?

Elia: Everybody associated with this fuckin’ organization have been winners their whole fuckin' life. Everybody. And the fuckin’ credit is not given in that respect. The fuckin’ changes that have happened in the Hawkeye organization are multifold.

MPF004: If not the coaches then, is it on the players?

Elia: What I'm tryin' to say is don't rip them fuckin' guys out there. But don't rip them fuckin' guys 'cause they're givin' everything they can give. And right now they’re trying to do more than God gave them, and that’s why we make the simple mistakes. That’s exactly why.

MPF004: I understand these are just college kids, yes. But is there hope for the future? Do you see the 2011 team getting better?

Elia: Once we hit that fuckin’ groove, it will flow. And it will flow. The talent's there. I don't know how to make it any clearer to you. I'm frustrated. I'll guarantee you I'm frustrated. It'd be different if I walked in this room every day and saw a bunch of guys that didn't give a shit. They give a shit. And it's a tough Big Ten schedule. It's a tough Big Ten period.

MPF004: Well if it’s not the players or coaches, then what do you make of this collapse? Was this always a 7-5 team, and the fans’ expectations were just too high?

Elia: We got all these so-called fuckin' fans that come out here and say they're Hawk fans that are supposed to be behind you, rippin' every fuckin' thing you do. I'll tell you one fuckin' thing, I hope we get fuckin' hotter than shit, just to stuff it up them fuckin' people that show up every fuckin' day, because if they're the real Hawkeye fuckin' fans, they can kiss my fuckin' ass right downtown and PRINT IT.

They're really, really behind you around here...my fuckin' ass. What the fuck am I supposed to do, go out there and let the fuckin' players get destroyed and be quiet about it? For the fuckin' nickel-dime people that turn up? The motherfuckers don't even work. That's why they're out at the fuckin' game. They oughta go out and get a fuckin' job and find out what it's like to go out and go out and earn a fuckin' living.

Rip them motherfuckers. Rip them fuckin' cocksuckers like the fuckin' players. We got guys bustin' their fuckin' ass, and them fuckin' people boo. They talk about the great fuckin' support the players get around here. I haven't seen it this fuckin' year.


MPF004: Hey Lee, let me just remind you that Iowa plays on Saturday. Most people have that day off work. Getting back to the on-field performance: every single loss came down to Iowa giving up the lead in the fourth quarter. What happened in those crucial drives?

Elia: Don’t ask me about any specific play, I won’t answer it. I’m not going to talk about specific fuckin’ plays. The name of the game is get the fuckin’ job done. Every time we lose a fuckin’ close game, it’s magnified: why did this Stanzi throw that pass, or and that guy drop a pass, or this guy fumble… that’s college football fellas. That’s going to happen, that’s how touchdowns are scored. That’s how the fuckin’ balance goes cock-eyed. That’s the difference between victory and defeat. All these motherfuckin’ editorials about Stanzi and Clayborn and fuckin’ … ah … the “here we go again” and all that shit, it's sickening.

MPF004: Well that about sums it up. Thank you, Lee Elia, for coming onto the blog today.

Elia: #*@&. Go Hawks.

C'mon Hawkeyes

Channel your inner Rufus!

EVANSTON INVASION: Revenge On the Nerds

As a Big Ten fan, you have a complicated relationship with the other conference teams. Some programs/coaches you respect (Penn State, Michigan State until the handling of the Chris L. Rucker situation). Some are legit border rivalries (Minny, Wisky, soon to be Nebraska). Some, to quote Craig Finn, "I couldn't find the hate and I couldn't find the fear" (Indiana, Purdue). Some you just flat out hate 24/7/365.

And then there's Northwestern.

The nerds in purple used to be a reliable "W" on the schedule (season series is a comfortable 45-22-3 lead). During my formative years of watching Hawkeye football, we won 14 straight. And when you live in Chicago, it's so easy to take the Red/Purple up to that dinky little high school stadium of theirs. Back in the good ol' days (2001), I went to a game with Rich and Kary (Hawkeye fans from the hometown) and we won 59-16. We spent the first half of the game actively watching and cheering, and the second half talking, occasionally being interrupted by oh hey look we scored another touchdown. It was fun, and easy to make fun of them as the school we kept in the Big Ten to keep the conference's grades up.

And then Fitzgerald happened.


In the four years he's been coach, he's beaten Iowa three times. And it's not like he's ever had the better team:

• In 2009, we were 9-0, ranked No. 8 in the country, high off that amazing win over Indiana, and then Corey Wooton crunched Ricky Stanzi's ankle, and it all went to hell. The pain is still strong, and fuels my motivation to win on Saturday. We finished 11-2 and won the Orange Bowl; they finished 8-5.
• In 2008, Shonn Greene had his usual 100-yard game but Iowa had turnover-itis and lost by 5 points. We finished 9-4 and won the Outback Bowl; they were 9-4 and lost their lesser bowl.
• In 2006 we were in the middle of a meltdown season, and they came into our house and beat us by two touchdowns. We finished 6-6 and went to a bowl we frankly didn't deserve; they finished 4-8.

Why did this happen? Mostly, because Fitzgerald Hates Iowa. He will never say as much in public, of course, but Hawkeye State aka Patrick Vint explains in this essay that it dates back to his playing days. And while we must acknowledge he has brought the program to Barnett-era levels of achievement, he has a particular hard-on for Iowa, and motivates his team to beat Iowa unlike any other opponent out there.

Basically: they are a smarter, in-conference version of Iowa State. Their whole fucking season revolves around beating Iowa. Despite inferior talent and lesser prestige, they see us as the only metric for their program.

As if the coach wasn't bad enough, NU fans are the nouveau-riche of college football, refusing to acknowledge anything that happened before 1995 (note to NU fans: you sucked). They never fill up that tiny stadium unless Ohio State, Michigan State or Iowa comes to town.They are the hammer and sickle to our Stars and Stripes, the ruble to our dollar. They are dirty communists (elitist, Gucci-wearing commies).


All of which is a way of saying WE'RE GOING STREAKING IN THE QUAD tailgating on enemy turf before the Iowa-justNorthwestern game Saturday. We've got a couple things in our favor. For starters, TM will be at the game, and Iowa is undefeated when she's in attendance.

TM was there. Probably took this picture.

For another, Ricky Stanzi is a senior and has cut down on the Stanziballs. Adam Robinson is back after missing last week with an injury. We need this game to stay in the Big Ten conference championship conversation. And TMMPF is hosting the pregame party.

So if you're anywhere in the Central Time Zone, you're invited to our tailgate Saturday morning. Reach out to any either co-author for contact info. Say "Fitzgerald is a dirty commie bastard" and drink free all morning, on me. The Hawkeyes, and America, will thank you.

Note: credit for the "empty seat" photo, and general inspiration/support, goes to Black Heart Gold Pants.

Pick Six, Week Seven: A Crack in the Armor

This was a full weekend, but not of college football. So here's an update heavy on the Pick Sixing impact, and light on the national analysis.

And let me just add a clarification: I might have made it sound last week that Ohio does not have technology. That is not true. Ohio has running water, landline telephones and cable TV. They even got the Internets in the Great Internet Boom of the 1990s. I just was at an obligation in a specific place without TV or radio.

Sorry, Ohio.

Big droppers: Lots of Husker fans were hurt by Nebraska laying an egg against Texas. Other teams to bite it, and take the accompanying hit: Ohio State an unreasonable -10, South Carolina -9, Arkansas -9, Florida -4 and out of the poll.

Big winners: Wisconsin, obviously, for toppling #1 Ohio State. Way to go for the six of you. Also, three of the four new entrants to this week's poll are Pick Sixers who started the season ranked. And the fourth, would you believe it, is a Pick Sixth from a dog. A dog picked Mississippi State, because, I assume, they are the Bulldogs. A team picked LAST in the SEC West by Phil Steele. Not that I'm bitter. (On a totally unrelated note, thanks for nothing UConn.)

Enough jibber jabber, is that cat still winning? As you're painfully aware, a housecat has been leading the game almost from the beginning. It's enough to make any person or panda ask "what the fuck."


However, the answer to the all-important question is:


No! I don't have a picture of entrant "Larry Sparks," at least not with his permission (yet). Back in the late 1990s, Larry and I walked on the playing field of Memorial Stadium in Lincoln. I'd love to tell you we were starting players on the team, but in reality we were just visiting town and discovered to our luck that the stadium was unlocked. Not sure where those pictures are today, but just envision Larry on the 50-yard line, cause he's your leader at the halfway point.

He rode the success of Wisky and Utah (his Pick Sixth, now ranked 9th) to jump 17 points and into first place. Meanwhile, the cat paid for the South Carolina and Arkansas losses, dropping 14 points and into second. Your "top dog" is still Piece of Cheese, and probably will be all year, so no more canine updates unless warranted.

And just in case he never sees first place this season, here is a pic of last week's human leader:

Finley. There, you finally made my blog. Now send a pic of Mitzu please.

Okay, one piece of analysis. Coming into the Iowa-Michigan game, the make-or-break matchup seemed to be Iowa's stiff defense (ranked fourth nationally) against Michigan's runaway train offense (ranked third nationally). Iowa was allowing 242.2 yards per game; Meech gaining 533.7 per game.

Their grammar sucks like their defense.

By contrast, Iowa's offense gained 426.4ypg, good for 33rd nationally, and the sieve masquerading as a Big Ten defense allowed 450.7 per game, 112th best in the nation. Against Big Ten-caliber offenses, the sieve gave up 535 (Notre Dame), 568 (Indiana) and 536 yards (Little Brother, aka Mitten State). So you knew Iowa would get their yards. But would Michigan get theirs?

Spelling sucks too.

Short answer: yes. Follow those links today and you'll see the Mitten actually jumped up to third against that vaunted Hawkeye defense. After facing the Denard Robinson (and Tate Forcier) Experience, Iowa's D dropped to 13th. So what does all that mean? When a poorly coached team makes numerous mental and physical mistakes, statistics don't mean spit.

Pick Six: Week 4's Quick Picks

It's Thursday morning Friday afternoon already...sigh, and I'm just barely getting caught up with last weekend's football. Wednesday night I sat on the new couch (it is comfy) and checked out all the scores and the latest AP Top 25. But Pitt-Miami kicked off Week 4 last night, and we're going to South Bend tomorrow, so not a lot of time for looking back. Let's talk quick.

For those clamoring for a Pick Six update, here's the upshot: not much happened. The only teams to move more than two slots were Iowa (grrr) and Arizona (double grrr ... wait a minute, that's the same grrr) and Stanford (not good for the Irish). So wherever you were last week, that's probably where you are this week. I'll get my spreadsheet issue sorted out and have an update next week.

Because by Sunday, we should see some big movement. Whereas last week there was only one game between ranked teams (which was obliterated from my memory), this week there are four. At least four ranked teams are going to lose, and probably more. So you'll need to know where you stand, and I will provide.

Week 4 Preview: Things are getting MAC-tastic in the Big Ten. Check out this week's lineup of foes: Akron, Ball State, Bowling Green, Northern Colorado, Northern Illinois, Central Michigan, Eastern Michigan, Temple, Toledo and Austin Peay. Eight of 10 teams in action (Illinois had a MAC snack last week, and in typical Zook fashion almost lost, so they're taking a breather this week) are facing the Little Engine That Could of conferences. That sound you hear is the entire Big Ten fanbase yawning.

This Week It Sucks to Be: a former powerhouse. Florida and Southern California were the dominant programs of the last decade. But in 2010, the voters just don't believe. The Gators opened the preseason at 4, won and dropped to 8, won again and dropped to 10! By winning last week, they jumped all the way up to 9. But the Trojans can top that: Southern Cal has won in three straight weeks ... and dropped in the polls all three weeks (from preseason 14 to 16 to 18 to their current 20). I'm not sure if/when that's ever happened before. Hell, if they keep winning, they'll be out of the poll altogether!

Allrighty, enjoy the games tomorrow. The season is already a quarter over, and by this time tomorrow it will be a third done. But hey, let's focus on the upside: there's 75% (soon to be 67%) of the season left!

Here's hoping the temps drop into the 50s and 60s:

It's almost blanket weather for Quigley cat!

Pick Six: Week Two Update

What happened with your favorite teams this weekend? Of note in the Pick Six universe:

• Oklahoma curb-stomped Florida State, knocking them out of the poll. In other bad news for the ACC, Georgia Tech lost to no-longer-good Kansas, and Virginia Tech lost at home. To James Madison. Who in addition to being dead since 1836, doesn't even play I-A (highest level) football.
• Georgia looked offensively inept against South Carolina, and paid for it with their four points. This is what happens when you play the only early game worth a damn on the biggest Saturday of September: everyone sees you suck.
• Conversely, South Carolina got an unnecessarily large bump (12 spots/points) for that win over UGa (pronounced "Uggg-uhhh" after how they played).
• Other inexplicable jumpers: Auburn for barely beating hapless Mississippi State; LSU for beating the worst team in the SEC; Utah for beating UNLV, who now has two 20+ point losses on the season.

About the only jump that made any damn sense was Oklahoma, who actually beat a ranked opponent.

The other new entries: welcome to Houston, Oregon State, The Hated Mitten, and the Arizona Wildcats, making Saturday's Iowa game the ONLY matchup of ranked teams on the weekend. (Of course ESPN's Gameday will be at Auburn as they face perenial chokers Clemson.)

Enough jibber jabber. Who's winning?


Believe it or not folks, a cat has taken the lead with a whopping 103 points. It's only Week 2, but the peace-loving kitty (his pick rationale will be explained later this season) has Boise, TCU and Oregon, and they're all top 5 this week. The cherry on top is his Arkansas/Auburn/South Carolina combo: that Hillbilly Alley trio are all No. 16 or higher.

If you're wondering about the highest-ranked human being: it's Finley wtih 94 points, Mo and Larry Sparks with 82 points, and at 81 is Bob Mould's old band. No, not Sugar. I'm still having trouble with formatting and Googledocs, but you can see the full spreadsheet here.

Week 3: What to Watch For. Other than me in the bright gold "gameday" shirt at Arizona Stadium? Not much. If your team loses points, you should be worried big-time. After a huge slate last week, no one (besides Iowa and Arizona) faces much of a challenge (unless you believe Georgia will scare Arkansas, and as of about 11:30 am last Saturday, you should not). Expect these scores to hold steady for one more week.

Finally, one piece of house-keeping: Frrrr was denied 1 point for Stanford last week due to a spreadsheet error. That has been corrected, and just in time, too, because Stanford is up to No. 19 (7 points) and that's too much to miss.

I'm going to Arizona this weekend for the Hawkeye game. Hope I don't get thrown in jail (again).

Predicting Won-Loss Records (the Easy Way)

I was looking for something else on the blog and stumbled across last year's "Predicting Won-Loss Records (the Easy Way)" and noticed that it was written in early August. It's early August right now, so in my most pragmatic, Midwestern, eatin' at Cracker Barrel voice, I said, "Welp, guess it's 'bout time to write this year's W-L predictions."

As a reminder, it's pretty difficult guess to what any team's final record will be, before a single practice has begun (of course that hasn't stopped the idiots at ESPN from doing exactly that). So instead, I use the great Phil Steele's 2010 College Football Preview as a proxy. I figure teams ought to beat the teams below them, lose to the ones above them, and anyone within a range is a toss-up. Knowing that injuries and upsets will factor in, you have a rough idea of a team's strength compared to who's on the schedule.

Phil has two ranking systems: the preseason Top 40 (prediction of where teams will finish, layers subjective info on top of data) and the Power Poll 120 (team strength in a vacuum, does not consider schedule, computer-driven). And this year, we have rankings from Paul Myerberg's Pre-Snap Read blog, formerly hosted at the New York Times (he is still mid-countdown, hence the question marks for teams yet unrevealed).

Let's start with the Hawkeyes. Coming off an awesome season capped by an Orange Bowl win and the quote of the year, Iowa returns a lot of talent and limited question marks. On paper, the sky's the limit. But what say the rankers?

Rankings

PSR	Team	PP/Preseason
??	Iowa	13 /14
NA	Eastern Illinois	NA / NA
88	Iowa State	76/NA
46	Arizona	23/25
101	Ball State	88/NA
??	Penn State	18/18
37	Michigan	39/37
??	Wisconsin	20/23
51	Michigan State	38/35
77	Indiana	84/NR
42	Northwestern	54/NR
??	Ohio State	2/2
83	Minnesota	79/NR

PSR = Pre-Snap Read. PP=Power Poll.

Both systems agree: the only competition should come from Ohio State, Penn State and Wisconsin. I say SHOULD because they aren't looking at factors like rivalry (Iowa State and Minnesota will be seeking payback) and where/when games are played (like 9:35 Central in the desert of Tucson, Ariz.) But if Stanzi can cut down on interceptions, if the O-line can gel enough to open running lanes, if Clayborn continues to terrorize Division I football ... things are looking good.

As for the first year of the Brian Kelly Era:

Rankings

PSR	Team	PP /Preseason
32	Notre Dame	27/16
65	Purdue	67/NR
37	Michigan	39/37
51	Michigan State	38/35
??	Stanford	24/34
??	Boston College	37/30
29	Pittsburgh	40/27
92	Western Michigan	73/NR
30	Navy	56/48
50	Tulsa	53/NR
??	Utah	44/28
85	Army	99/NR
??	Southern Cal	14 /8

Myerberg has four ranked higher (we don't know how high yet), three toss-ups, and five that appear to be easy wins. ND would have to over-acheive to get to eight wins in that scenario--but that would mean a two-win improvement over last year.

On the other hand, Phil has a reputation for being high on the Irish, and it continues this year. He sees ND just outside the Top 25, with only Stanford and Southern Cal higher. That would be a 10-2 year. Frankly, when it comes to Irish football, I'll believe it when I see it.

Now on the surface you'd think Iowa has the harder schedule: traditional powers Penn State and Ohio State, plus two BCS-level out of conference games in Arizona and Iowa St (they are still in the Big teXIIas conference, right?) But take a closer look at Steele's preseason rankings--his estimation of where teams will END the season, based on factors like talent, opponents, and when you play those opponents. ND has 7 teams on his list, Iowa only 6.

Keep this in mind as the season goes along. We're only four weeks away!

The Old Grey Lady Is Dead to Me

New York Times, you used to be a shining light in journalism. A model of success that everyone in the industry looked up to. I don't know what's happened to you in the last few years: first Jayson Blair, then this brain fart that you managed to make twice.

But this most recent fuckup is unforgivable.

In an article about how the University of Iowa overbooked its freshman class, I see this correction (click for bigger):

It's the Hawkeye State, you arrogant Gotham assholes. If you can't get your facts straight, stay out of "flyover country." We'll be just fine without you.

BEST OF MPF 2009

BEST DAY: The Hold Steady show at Taste of Randolph was pretty damn cool (June 21).

WORST DAY: (tie) The 165 days I spent unemployed and looking for work (Jan 1 – June 14).

BEST STORY INVOLVING A CAT: Our friend Sarah adopted a cat. I facilitated as sounding board and driver (June 6).

A LOLCat of Sarah's Booni.

BEST SHOW: The Hold Steady at Taste of Randolph.

BEST SONG: For its relentless optimism and joy in a dire year, the winner is “Say Hey I Love You” by Michael Franti and Spearhead. Runner-ups: “Wilco (the song)” by Wilco (the band); “Use Somebody” by Kings of Leon.

BEST RECORD: “Wilco (the album)” by Wilco (the band).

BEST ARTIST: In a quiet year musically, I'll give it to Wilco, for continuing to make challenging, exciting music.

BEST PICTURE: This one (taken July 31). It’s so good it’s on a mousepad somewhere in New Hampshire.

This is a good runner-up, from the same night:


BEST MOVIE: "State of Play."

FUNNIEST MOVIE: "The Hangover."

BEST USE OF HALL AND OATES IN A MOVIE: The high-five scene in “500 Days of Summer."

WORST MOVIE SPELLING: "Inglorious Bastards."

BEST CULT FILM: "The Room" (2003), the “Rocky Horror” for its decade, which I saw at the Music Box (July 25).

BEST, WEIRDEST, MOST FASCINATING AND FRUSTRATING TV SHOW: Lost.

BEST ATTEMPT TO HELP PEOPLE DURING UNEMPLOYMENT: I started a group for out of work people to attend Mass at St. Alphonsus on Thursday mornings, then meet afterwards for coffee, donuts and conversation.

MOST UNDER-REPORTED STORY: Did Michael Jackson like, die or something this summer? Shouldn’t the news media have, you know, done a story or something about it?

BEST EXAMPLE OF BEING WHERE THE NEWS IS: I was in Boston this summer when the nation’s two biggest stories were Manny Ramirez linked to steroids and the “beer summit” between the Cambridge cop, Harvard professor, and President Obama (July 30-August 1).

BEST TWO-DOLLAR GUITAR: The fake Fender Stratocaster I won playing the ring toss game at Cedar Point amusement park in Sandusky, Ohio (June 26).

BIGGEST IRONY: A plastic, image-conscious country band (Rascal Flats) covering the Beatles’ "Revolution" in a major-league baseball park (Wrigley Field) on a tour sponsored by a national department store (JCPenney's).

BEST STREET FEST: Wicker Park Fest (July 25). Awesome swag and a great set by Scott Miller, which a conversation afterwards led to …

BEST ROAD TRIP: We went to Knoxville, Tenn., to see TM’s alma mater Ohio play the Volunteers at Neyland Stadium, where Miller was our host and tour guide (Sept. 25-27).

WORST TREND: Adults voluntarily sacrificing their privacy on Internet websites like the Facebook and the Twitter.

BEST TEAM: Iowa football. They started 9-0 and finished 11-2 with an Orange Bowl win and #7 in the country.

BEST GAME: Notre Dame edged Michigan State, 33-30, with victory being secured by an interception as MSU was driving in the final minute (Sept. 19).

BEST DINING EXPERIENCE: Spring restaurant (Oct. 30). Runner-up: Chelsea Grill in Lincoln Square.

BEST AD: The Sarah McLachlan PSA for adopting animals was devastatingly effective. Runner-ups: Wendell the Miller High Life guy meets the High Life Light guy; Notre Dame’s “Fighting” campaign including Fighting Disease.

The ASPCA ad is too sad. Enjoy this one instead.

WORST AD: Subway’s 12-inch sandwiches for five bucks. Repetitive and annoying. I set foot in Subway once in 2009, and that was to get soup.

WORST ADVERTISING TREND: Words printed on the screen while being read. Are Americans that stupid that we now have to read our TV commercials?

BEST PC TECH: Jeff at PC Solutions. I had to go there three times in 2009, and each time he solved my problem perfectly.

WE’LL MISS YOU: Walter Cronkite, 92, newsman extraordinaire (on July 17); Jay Bennett, 45, musician extraordinaire (on May 24).


Most of you know this is my annual summation of the year passed, my own spin on the traditional Christmas letter. Let's hope 2010 treats you better than 2009, if the letters we received are any indication. God bless you and your family in the coming year.

1000 Words: The Eyes Have It

Hawkeyes vs. Buckeyes. A bird vs. a nut? All I gots to say about that:


(from BHGP of course)

Soooo .... What About Last Saturday?

When words fail, good thing there's Mike, Michael and Peter.

We all fall down.

One Game at a Time

Yes there is a great temptation to look ahead. But taking it one game at a time has gotten us to this point:

(click for bigger)


(from the University of Iowa's official site)

Week 8 Review/Week 9 Preview

(Damn I'm late. At least it's up before the 11am games. --ed.)

Week 8 Review: the Cardiac Kids

Location: Notre Dame Stadium. And the car. (I'll explain.)

Games watched: Notre Dame-BC; Rutgers-Army; Tennessee-Alabama (on replay); Iowa-Michigan State (on the radio-oh-oh!); Southern Cal-Oregon State; Arizona State-Stanford (sleepily).

Pick Six: A quiet week, the biggest move being BYU's emasculation by the Horned Frogs. Here's a wagering tip from you to me; never trust Mormons against a horned reptile. Our bottom quintiles officially suck: even with ND moving back in at 25, we have a grand total of one points among our bottom six teams. Four of TM's teams moved up (which is total bullshit because Georgia Tech and Texas both had awesome dominating wins, and neither moved up), and you can guess what that means: TM 51, Quigley 49, MPF 47.

And a late update: In Week 7 of one of my pick 'em games, I got the week's highest score. (My team name is Northern Iowa. The guy who runs the game requires every team be named for a I-AA or lower level school.)

Iowa: We left the stadium and got in the car. After we got out on the interstate, we finally picked up the Michigan State broadcast team out of Detroit. As we drove west, that signal got weaker. We tried WMT out of Cedar Rapids--nothing. Then I remembered WHO out of Des Moines, but couldn't think of the dial location. Now here's proof that advertising works: when you start the online player at WHO's home page, you hear an ad that said, "Hi, this is Bonnie from Van and Bonnie at WHO 1040 for [name of dentist advertising]." So we flip there and we hear Dolph coming in just fine.

For the rest of the drive, it was flipping back and forth every few minutes between the MSU and Iowa broadcasts... we'd lose one, try the other, lose it, rinse/rather/repeat. By the time we got to Lake Shore Drive, Iowa was driving in the red zone and we lost the signal. When we got it back, it was 9-6 Iowa. When we got to the house, MSU ran the hook-and-ladder play. I sprinted into the house, flipped on the TV ... and saw MSU score the touchdown.

Dejected, I went back out to the car. (I had to bring in all the crap I left there when I sprinted inside.) I couldn't watch. I figured whether it was good or bad news, I'd want to hear it from Dolph and Eddie. To my surprise, 1040 was coming in crystal clear, like I was right there in Des Moines. As I packed up the stuff, I listened to that final drive, and the final four plays.



I think I'll always remember running from the parking lot and sprinting towards the apartment, where I found TM jumping up and down out on the sidewalk. Thank you Hawkeyes for these awesome memories. As a bittersweet coda, the next morning I went out to the car ... and all I heard on the radio was static. It was like the night before was all a dream.

Notre Dame: We enjoyed the game. I mean, we enjoyed the outcome. But for Pete's sake, at some point this team is going to have to beat an inferior team by 2+ touchdowns. This going down to the wire crap is not what we were expecting back in August. And still, 57 games into his college coaching career, Charlie Weis' "signature" victory is over ... Navy in (pick a year they went to a bowl).

Anyway, Iowa won, Notre Dame won, Michigan lost. Welcome back my friend:


Week 9 Preview: Back in the High Life Again

Seeing live football games is fun, but it gets tiring. We're going out Friday night so I'm looking forward to a Saturday of sleeping in, Gameday, Iowa at 11am, you know, the flowchart. In the evening we'll head to Steve's for the ND game and a football/Halloween potluck.

On the national scene, I think USC-Quack would be fun to watch, if it were not on at the same time as ND. The World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party is this weekend, and I'm feeling contrarian. Something about Georgia in this game ... I don't know if I can pick the outright upset, but I think it'll be close (Ed. note: since I wrote this, I did in fact pick Geo. to win). As long as I'm out on limbs, watch for Cuse to scare Cincy, more than they should. I like Tennessee over an erratic South Carolina. Which crappy team will win the Michigan-Illinois game? Can Jim Delany just cancel it?

Happy Halloween, Hawkeye Fans

(click for bigger version)


(via BHGP, naturally)

Week 7 Review/Week 8 Preview

(work busy. blogging compromised. words fantastic, despite constraints. --ed.)

Week 7 Review: don'tlookattheuscgamedidimentionthehawkeyesareundefeated?*

Location: Couch. (and by the way--damn it was fantastic.)

Games watched: Boise-Tulsa (kinda), Cincy-South Florida, Pitt-Rutgers (kinda), Iowa-Wisky, Oklahoma-Texas (during commercials), Ohio State-Purdue (snippets), ND-Southern Cal, Florida-Arkansas (during commercials), Kansas-Colorado, Bama-South Carolina (snippets), Washington-Arizona State (but that doesn't mean I remember, it was awfully late).

Iowa: Less than 24 hours after the Michigan win, the Hawk Shop sent out an email labeled "6-0! Six more to go!" While I appreciate the symmetry and rhyme, as a fan I thought it was a little premature. Anybody can get lucky for six in a row.

But then Iowa went to Madison, for the third (second) of their five (four) incredibly difficult road games, and still prevailed. Now we're 7-0, which is lofty territory. I mean, at this point in the season, not just any schmuck can go 7-0. (Parens indicate the questionableness yes damn right I just made up that word of Iowa State as a legitimate road game.)

ND: I predicted this game would be more like 2006, when ND was blown out of the water by a far superior Southern Cal team, than 2005, when a feisty underdog gave Goliath all it could handle down to the final play. Being wrong didn't feel any better when the end result was just like 2005 ... a close loss.

Pick Six: Ugh. A 3-3 record this week, with Ohio State, UCLA and Nebraska losing. At least Texas and Georgia Tech beat ranked teams (BYU took down a no-name), but it wasn't enough to offset losses. My only consolation is that my family members shared in these losses: Ohio State (and ND) for TM, Nebraska for Quigley. So while all scores are down, I keep my lead: MPF 56, Quigley 47, TM 46.

Week 8 Preview: Can We Please Beat These Jesuits?!?

Well it's technically Week 8 already here on Wednesday, with Anonymous Western Team playing Supposedly Worthy Conference Foe on A.W.W.L.S. But since that doesn't count:

Iowa: plays Michigan State. I'm nervous. But like I told an MSU buddy of mine, I've been nervous for every game this year. This run has been so unexpected, I'm just enjoying every single game I can. Plus, I won't be near a TV since we'll be coming home from ...

Notre Dame. This will be the second of two games at Notre Dame Stadium this year, and another rival who has had our number of late: the Boston College Golden Eagles. Over the summer many fans chalked this up as an easy win: BC lost its coach, all its QBs, and the heart of its defense in it's star MLB. Sooooo ... we're gonna beat 'em, right?

The OH: plays Kent. Better beat Kent. Seriously man. Kent State.


* -- every Wilco fan knows what song this references, right??

Week 6 Review/Week 7 Preview

Week 6 Review: Sweet Home Iowa

Location: The parents' house, Iowa. It was nice, and relaxing, to be back home.

Iowa: Beat Michigan. Look, I wish I had more time to expound on this, but basically, my hate for Michigan has grown tremendously in the past two years. To paraphrase the chief of police in Malibu: I don't like their jerkoff coach, I don't like their jerkoff freshman QB, I don't like their jerkoff helmets, I don't like them ... jerkoffs.

So it was tremendously relieving to beat Michigan under any circumstances, much less a nationally televised game at Kinnick Stadium.

Suck it, retards.

ND: had a bye.

Pick Six: Texas dropped a point, edged out by Bama. Oh well, I should get that point back with a win over Oklahoma in the Red River Shootout. Meanwhile, OSU, Georgia Tech and Nebraska benefitted from good-looking wins. I'm sure the bread tasted fantastic? (UCLA did itself no favors, losing to the Quackheads.) Quigley had two losses in LSU and Ole Miss. TM pretty much held steady, with the appearance of Notre Dame noteworthy and adding a single point to her total.

We're halfway home, people, and here are your standings: MPF 68, TM 58, Quigley 52.

National: Six weeks in, I think we can safely declare these teams Not As Good As We Thought (NAGAWT):

Georgia (3-3)
Ole Miss (3-2)
Florida State (2-4)
Illinois (1-4) ... keep in mind, I expected them to be .500 at best so I'm really not piling on by listing them here, sorry Sarah
Colorado (1-4)

This picture is from two weeks ago. But holy shit, can you imagine a photograph of a guy MORE likely to get fired at the end of the year?

Grudging Respect Given To (GRGT):

Auburn (5-1)
Wisconsin (5-1)
Real Miami (4-1)
Los Quackos (5-1)
Washington (3-3)
West Virginia (4-1)

And hey, lookee who's 4-2:

Phil called it.

Week 7: The Rivalry of the Year

Notre Dame: Plays Southern California. You may be aware of this. You may be looking forward to the oldest, most tradition-heavy intersectional rivalry in the United States of America.

And now, courtesy of our friends at Blue-Gray Sky, read this cringeable stat:

More than SC's strong stats and deep depth chart is the unavoidable fact that the past few years worth of matchups have been a horror show of Irish ineptitude. The players and staff just don't know what it is like to experience success against Southern Cal. I can think of no better way to sum it up than with this unfortunately 100% true statement:

70% of the scholarship players on Notre Dame's roster were not a part of the program the last time Notre Dame scored a touchdown against Southern Cal.

Re-read that statement a few times and you might find yourself looking to make other plans for Saturday.

And if that wasn't bad enough, I made the mistake of looking at the website for AWWLIS (the Alleged Worldwide Leader In Sports), you may know them by the more familar Entertainment and Sports Programming Network, to learn this stat: since 1992, the cumulative score is Southern Cal 284, ND 95.

The 2006 game was 44-24. The most points SC has given up this year is 16. While those two stats seem incongruous, I'm expecting a 2006-like result.

If this were* an editorial cartoon instead of a LOLcat, the cat would be labeled "S.C. Defense."

Iowa: Plays Wisconsin in Madison at 11am. Now, I was looking at the rankings this week, and the AP has Florida at No. 1. But Florida is only 5-0, whereas Iowa is 6-0. That's better, right? Why aren't the Hawkeyes ranked above the Gators?

Pick Six: Big games for Texas (Q and MPF) and Georgia Tech (MPF) headline the slate. Oh, and the Irish (TM) vs. Southern California.

I'll be following the flowchart. Won't you join me? (in spirit if not literally. The couch ain't that big.)


* -- Occasional proper grammar use is at the sole discretion of the blog proprietor.