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P62013: Week 8 Is Still Bleeding From All The Carnage

Games watched: Western Kentucky-Louisiana Lafayette (Tues); Miami-N.Carolina (Thurs); UCF-Louisville (Fri); South Carolina-Tennessee; Florida-Missouri (flip); UCLA-Stanford (2nd TV); USC-Notre Dame, Florida State-Clemson (2nd TV); Wash St.-Oregon (a little); Utah-Arizona (a little).

I was all ready to write about what an exciting bunch of games we watched on Saturday. Upsets left and right.

And then I ran the math on the P6 game and saw this:

Geez, when I saw all the carnage represented by that red, all I could think of was this scene (start at 1:55):

I thought I was alone in my P6 pain. On Saturday I only had one win (Oregon). UCLA and South Carolina lost on the road, Texas and Nebraska bye'd, and Miami won on Thursday night. But clearly, misery loves company. ("Mizzery" loves winning. More on them in a second.)

Nebrask ... Abide.

Here's the tally: Georgia: -11 and out. Louisville: -10. South Carolina: -9. Texas A&M: -7. LSU: -7. Clemson: -6. Washington: -6 and out. Florida: -3 and out. There's a 100% you have at least one of those teams, because the entire Group "B" quartile lost yesterday. The average score fell this week from 60.3 to 54.3. I can't remember an average six-point drop as long as I've been running this game. Georgia earns the ignominy of being the first Group "A" team to fall out of the Top 25.

While most of those teams deserved their demotions, I must say this "SEC rulez" mentality among the voters is bullshit. I highly doubt Auburn is the 11th best team in the country, just because they beat John "Football" Manziel and his teammates.

As for Mizzou ... wow. I was very wrong when I teased "sadandbritish" that they'd enjoy a one-week stay in the Top 25 with Georgia on deck. All they did was curbstomp the 'Dogs last week and then cruise past Florida yesterday ... all with their backup QB. They might not deserve to be #5, but they have had a nice run. As a mea culpa, here is a somewhat sad and British song from the godfather of sad and British, Stephen Morrissey.

It is a little known fact that MPF004 likes some Smiths and Morrissey. This song was on the "Bona Drag" record that came out while I was in high school. It's also the same record that David Rawlings and Ryan Adams argued about. Somebody out there knows what I'm talking about.

Undefeated watch: Here's what happened to last week's list of 14:
American: Louisville (lost to Central Florida). Houston (lost to BYU).
ACC: Florida State, Clemson (lost to FSU) Miami. FSU and Miami will play on Nov. 2.
Big Ten: Ohio State.
Big XII: Texas Tech and Baylor. They play on Nov. 16.
Mountain West: Fresno State.
Mid-American: Northern Illinois.
SEC: Missouri (still!) and Alabama. They would play each other in the conference championship game.
Pac 12: Oregon and UCLA (lost to Stanford).

Four down, so the new total is 10.

Best week: Not many options here. "Prince of the Potty" and and Boots were up +6. You know what, I'm just going to go ahead and call out the other players in positive territory: "Will.i.am" +4, "Stanzi City Chiefs" +1. That's it. If your name isn't listed, you either pushed or lost ground.

Enough jibber jabber, who's winning? You would think that with all that losing going on, that maybe we'd have a shakeup at the top. Somebody new has to have that 103 score we saw above. Right? Right .... ?

Nope. "Dirty Diapers" had enough winners to stay in first. The top two stay the same, with some minor movement below them. The only two players with Missouri move into the Top Ten.

Top kitty: Tigger, in 9th  Top child: "Lightning McQueen" in 10th. Top dog: "Quarter Dog" down at 15th. I'm in 12th, claiming the household lead for the first time all season.

Update: Here are the links:

P62013 Scoreboard
Points for each team
AP Top 25 Poll

Be Sure To Get Your Money's Worth

We drove home from Ohio on Tuesday, buzzing through the lake effect snow of northern Indiana with minimal breaks. We made it in plenty of time to watch the first bowl game of the day, the Pizza Pizza Bowl. During a commercial for the second game (the Belk Bowl), I said, hey, we'll get to find out what a "Belk" is! TM chuckled and said she thought it might be a department store.

But the point stuck with me: what the hell is a Belk? And why do they sponsor a bowl game?

Sponsoring a bowl game probably costs a lot of money. (And if it doesn't, get ready for the TMMPF Bowl in December 2012!) A company should expect to get its money worth by getting its name in front of hundreds of thousands watching at home nationwide. And some of these companies are wasting their money by putting their name on something that just confuses the hell out of their target audience (me and other football fans).

The drive home from Ohio. Once again cute Franklin (and Quigley) makes an appearance in a post that has nothing to do with kitties.

So with TM's encouragement I decided to rate all the bowls by the wisdom of their sponsporships. The actual bowl name, when applicable, is in parentheses.

BEST:
Tostitos (Fiesta)
AT&T (Cotton)
Discover (Orange)
Capital One
Allstate (BCS National Championship, Sugar)
Hyundai (Sun)
Chick-fil-A
Outback
AutoZone (Liberty)

These are the smartest of the 34 sponsors (there are 35 bowl games; Allstate has two). At the top of the list are broad, nationally recognized names that consumers use or see nearly every day: tortilla chips, credit cards, insurance, telecommunications, cars, restaurants. AutoZone is at the bottom of the first tier because while it is a nationally known chain, it does not have the name recognition or frequency of Outback Steakhouse or AT&T. And while I hate hate HATE the Capital One ads, I must acknowledge it is logical for them to get their name on a bowl.

GOOD:
Meineke Car Care
Champs Sports
New Era (Pinstripe)
Vizio (Rose)
Sheraton (Hawaii)

The next tier contains solid names that align with the demographic: a lesser known sports bar chain (Ed: Champps is a sports bar. Champs Sports sells athletic gear. That just proves my point), a ballcap maker, a TV maker, a hotel chain. Vizio should maybe be lower because I don't know if people know what Vizio is (I think it's a software for making flow charts) but at least they are trying to get in front of guys who buy TVs. Same for sports bars clothing and ballcaps. And if you're wondering why AutoZone gets the top rank and Meineke does not, it is because they are intentionally confusing me the fan by moving their bowl almost 1,000 miles but keeping the same name.

And whatever happened to George Foreman ads in the Meineke bowl?

MEDIUM:
Beef 'O' Brady's (St. Petersburg)
Little Caesars Pizza
Valero (Alamo)
MAACO (Las Vegas)
TicketCity

We're starting to get into questionable territory here. Little Ceasars should be higher ... after all, they are a well-known brand with a product people eat all the time. But they insist on calling it the "Little Caesars Pizza Bowl" which sounds like a disgusting product on their menu. I can only imagine the marketing executive working with his kitchen guys on creating a pizza bowl. (TM and I envision a bowl of crust, like a bread-bowl for soup, with all the ingredients piled in ... essentially, an open-faced calzone, but again, we do NOT want to see this come to market.)

This shitty idea has happened before, people. Let's not have it happen again.

Valero (gasoline) and Ticket City (online ticket reseller) are trying to get their names out there. At least Ticket City had the sense to not slap a "dotcom" at the end of their name. Beef "O" Brady should be punished on the simple grounds of having a stupid name, but at least I think they are more national than regional. And Maaco? Does anyone my age or younger remember "Uh oh, better call Maaco?" More to the point: there are still Maacos in business?

MEDIUM-STUPID:
Taxslayer.com (Gator)
GoDaddy.com
Kraft Fight Hunger
Insight
Famous Idaho Potato

We're into borderline stupid territory. Only the more blatantly stupid transgressors of the next category make these guys look halfway decent by comparison:

First up are Taxslayer.com and GoDaddy.com. With Taxslayer, I can guess at the purpose: tax prep. And, yes, it is tax prep season, so this kind of makes sense. However, in a world with H&R Block and Jackson Hewitt and Turbo Tax, I am not going to trust my finances to a website that makes me think of knights and dragons. As for Godaddy.com: how many people are ever going to register a website domain, and how many of them are too dumb to go to Network Solutions?

Famous Idaho Potato: The best line I read leading up to this game was, someone asked "is the potato famous, or the bowl game?" As for Insight: I am in favor of intangible concepts, as long as they are patriotic like Independence or Liberty. I don't have a clue why I should feel perceptive or clever during a bowl game.

A Kraft Foods bowl: I'd buy that. A bowl that slaps Kraft's name onto a verb and noun? No.

STUPID:
San Diego County Credit Union (Poinsettia)
Franklin American Mortgage (Music City)
Northrop-Grumann (Military)
R & L Carriers (New Orleans)
Bridgepoint Education (Holiday)
Bell Helicopter (Armed Forces)

These are stupid for two reasons: usage and geography. When was the last time you bought a helicopter? How about a spy satellite? Or hired a trucking company (not a moving company) to transport shipments across country? Your average viewer doesn't give a shit about these three because it's not relevant to daily life.

Franklin American, while having a kitty-friendly and patriotic name, is stupid for the same reason the financial companies are at the top of the list: what is the point of this bowl if I can't find or walk into a Franklin American branch? And doesn't the housing market suck right now? And how do I find a Bridgeport Education? Do I have to go to the Bridgeport neighborhood of Chicago? Isn't that inconvenient for everyone in America? (Even when I lived in Wrigleyville I wouldn't go to Bridgeport for anything.) (Okay, the fact that I thought it was called Bridgeport, not Bridgepoint, should be enough for them to reassess their name recognition.)

And to the San Diego County Credit Union: I love football. But I can't be a customer of yours. Do you know why? Because I don't fricking live in San Diego! Just like almost EVERYONE ELSE IN THE COUNTRY watching your football game. Buy a billboard on I-5.

FLAT OUT CONFUSING:
AdvoCare V100 (Independence)
Gildan (New Mexico)
BBVA Compass
Belk

Can anyone say what or who AdvoCare V100 is? I will concede it sounds like a brand of gasoline. But do you know for sure? Shouldn't a gasoline COMPANY sponsor the bowl? It's not like CapOne has the "Platinum Credit Card" bowl or Outback has the "10 ounce New York Strip" bowl.

BBVA Compass: I was so puzzled I broke down and used Wikipedia to look it up.

Gildan and Belk: Well, we watched the bowl and TM was right, it's a Southern department store. Good for them ... does nothing for us customers in 34 of the 50 states where there isn't a Belk.

Now THIS is top-notch customer marketing. (click to read detail)

By the way, as I was going through the list, I realized there is no Papajohns.com Bowl anymore. This would have ranked between good and medium, because it is for a consumer product, but it's stupid to name a bowl after your website if you have a physical store or thing.

In conclusion: there are already too many bowls as it is. Let's lop off the bottom five or 10, since those sponsors are wasting their money. Ford, Verizon Wireless and JPMorgan Chase: come on down.

The Most Respectful Football Conference

TM is quite proud of the degree she got at Ohio University and points out how the journalism school cranks out notable alumni.

The league office, however, might want to take a look at one of those MAC graduates who can put together a sentence:

Detroit, Mich. – The Miami RedHawks and the Toledo Rockets have been selected to win the East and West divisions respectfully in the 2011 Mid-American Conference Football Preseason Poll.

Here's the screengrab:


When I read that, I immediately thought of Dennis Hope from Almost Famous, in one of the small but crucial scenes of that fantastic movie.

Respectfully.

In conclusion:

1. The writer meant "respectively," identifying sequenced items that retain their order later in the sentence;
2. It makes it so much harder to not make fun of the MAC when they do stuff like this;
3. If you thought I was going to write about the MAC this week without mentioning this you are nuts (note Iowa is #4);
4. Here is Jimmy Fallon in bed with Chewbacca.

How the Hell Am I Supposed To Keep Track of These Divisions?

The biggest story of the 2010 offseason (conference realignment) has become one of the most exciting changes of 2011. There were some trivial moves amongst the irrelevant Western schools, but by far the biggest and most important was the addition of Nebraska to the Big Ten.

I was wondering if I would ever re-use this picture. Hah hah just kidding, Kelly.

The Big Ten does not take on newcomers lightly. Hell I remember when Michigan State was the new kid on the block ... and they joined in 1949. In fact before Nebraska only three schools had joined our venerable institution in the 20th century: Columbus Community College The Ohio State University (1912), Sparty and Penn State (1990).

The addition of Nebraska means many things for the conference...a natural rivalry game for Iowa, an immediate contender for the championship, a conference title game ... but the most important is this:

How the hell are you supposed to remember who is in these new divisions?

Luckily for you the not-as-fanatical-as-MPF football fan, I'm here to help. Let's start with the basics.

One Division: Iowa, Michigan, Michigan State, Minnesota, Nebraska, Northwestern

The Other Division: Illinois, Indiana, Ohio State, Penn State, Purdue, Wisconsin

That's all well and good, but that's not very easy to remember. After all, smart conferences divided their divisions with clean geographic lines. The Big Texas, formerly known as the Big XII, drew a line along the southern borders of Kansas and Missouri and split into the North and the South. (And much like the Union 150 years ago, that split didn't work out too well.) The SEC likewise has the East and the West. So even if you don't pay much attention to SEC football, you can probably look at a map and realize Florida and Georgia = East and Mississippi/Louisiana/Arkansas-based schools = West.

Getting back to our conference: you've realized there is not a clean geographic split (even though they could have drawn a line between Illinois and Indiana and had six on each side). What about mnemonics? Creating a word out of an acronym?

I suggest "MAIN" and "WOPPII." "Main" is a bastardization of "mmmIAnn" which is the three "M" schools (Michigan, Mitten State and Minny), IowA, and the two "NU"s (Armani and Husker). "WOPPII" represents Wisky, Ohio State, Purdue, Penn State, Indiana and Illinois.

Okay, so maybe you're more visual. Let's go back to geography then. Here are the 12 campuses, with colored dots for each division:


If you prefer to think about the East and West split, just envision these circles:


That's all well and good, but still not super helpful.

However, another way to look at it is this:


These shapes make a sideways blue "C" and a red "L". "Bluesy" has a nice ring to it, and conveniently includes Chicago, home of the blues and awesome American Buddy Guy. The "Red L" (also a Chicago reference, now that I think about it--damn.) contains three "red" schools (Wisky, OSU and Indy), and yeah, looks like an "L". And "Riddell" is the name of an athletics company, so that's pretty easy to remember.

So there you have it: "Bluesy" and "Reddell." Or "Main" and "Swoppii." Hell, it's no worse than "Leaders" and Legends," right?

The Devil Warming a 'Special Hot Seat' for Tabloid Voicemail Hackers

Makes Ominous Promise: 'I've Got Ideas' for Murdoch, Brooks

NEW YORK--Satan, the Guardian of Hell, made a rare appearance on Earth to announce that he was preparing a "special hot seat" for the British tabloid employees who hacked the phones of murder victims and their family members.

"What those tabloid people did was some fucked up shit, pardon my French," declared the king of the underworld. "I mean, just this morning before I came up here, Pol Pot elbowed me and showed me a newspaper article about the case. He didn't even say anything, just shook his head and walked away. Pol Pot!"

It was revealed this week that employees at News of the World, a tabloid newspaper in London, had broken into the voicemail accounts of not only celebrities, but also targeted the phone of Milly Dowler, a 13-year-old girl abducted and killed in 2002.

A few days later the list of hacking victims was widened to include the family members of the 2005 terrorist attacks, and soldiers killed in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Photographers were able to capture this image before Satan disappeared in a puff of smoke.

The Devil, describing himself as "quite familar" with evil behavior, said the revelations required him to take visible, public action.

"To break into the voicemail of celebrities, that's cruel, unethical, blah blah blah," said the entity also known as Lucifer or Beelzebub. "Murder victims? This newspaper deleted voicemail messages, making the family think their child was still alive. I got a special place for people like that down at my place. I call it Special Hell.

"Rebecca Brooks? Enjoy your living days while you got 'em. I've got ideas. Andy Coulson? More like Andy HOT-son, when I get started on you."

Rupert Murdoch, chief executive of News Corp., decided to shut down the tabloid. But it was too little too late, according to the Prince of Darkness.

"Oh yeah, I've had my eye on 'Rupy', as we call him here," Satan said. "Now there's a long-term project of mine. There's a special hot seat I've got that ... you know, I'll let him find out."

The Devil took only a few questions before leaving and provided few details on his plans, saying only that the News of the World people were "on notice, and that's good enough for now." Asked why he chose a hotel on Manhattan's East Side, instead of London where the activities took place, for the site of his press conference, the Devil shrugged. "I guess it's always good to come back home," he grinned.

Lee Elia Discusses the 2010 Hawkeyes

After starting the season with a Top 10 national ranking, the Iowa Hawkeyes limped to a 7-5 record Saturday, losing to the woeful Minnesota Gophers (more like “WOE-fers”) 27-24.

It has been a tough season for Hawkeye fans, so I decided to seek out a man who knows a little about venting, former Chicago Cubs manager Lee Elia. Luckily, I was able to track him down and have a conversation.

* * *

MPF004: Lee, thanks for taking time to talk with us today.

Elia: Thanks MPF, it’s great to be here.

MPF004: Let’s talk with the disappointment of these last few losses. Iowa fans are really feeling gut-punched.

Elia: It's unbelievable. It really is. It's a disheartening fuckin' situation we're in right now. Anybody who was associated with the Hawkeye organization 10 years ago that came back and sees the multitude of progress that's been made will understand that if they're football people, that 7 and 5 doesn't negate all that work.

MPF004: ‘Disheartening’ is a good word for it, I guess. Where would you put the blame? I don’t think anyone is calling for Ferentz to resign or anything, but these losses do point to an inability to make adjustments in close games. Does the coaching staff deserve that criticism?

Elia: Everybody associated with this fuckin’ organization have been winners their whole fuckin' life. Everybody. And the fuckin’ credit is not given in that respect. The fuckin’ changes that have happened in the Hawkeye organization are multifold.

MPF004: If not the coaches then, is it on the players?

Elia: What I'm tryin' to say is don't rip them fuckin' guys out there. But don't rip them fuckin' guys 'cause they're givin' everything they can give. And right now they’re trying to do more than God gave them, and that’s why we make the simple mistakes. That’s exactly why.

MPF004: I understand these are just college kids, yes. But is there hope for the future? Do you see the 2011 team getting better?

Elia: Once we hit that fuckin’ groove, it will flow. And it will flow. The talent's there. I don't know how to make it any clearer to you. I'm frustrated. I'll guarantee you I'm frustrated. It'd be different if I walked in this room every day and saw a bunch of guys that didn't give a shit. They give a shit. And it's a tough Big Ten schedule. It's a tough Big Ten period.

MPF004: Well if it’s not the players or coaches, then what do you make of this collapse? Was this always a 7-5 team, and the fans’ expectations were just too high?

Elia: We got all these so-called fuckin' fans that come out here and say they're Hawk fans that are supposed to be behind you, rippin' every fuckin' thing you do. I'll tell you one fuckin' thing, I hope we get fuckin' hotter than shit, just to stuff it up them fuckin' people that show up every fuckin' day, because if they're the real Hawkeye fuckin' fans, they can kiss my fuckin' ass right downtown and PRINT IT.

They're really, really behind you around here...my fuckin' ass. What the fuck am I supposed to do, go out there and let the fuckin' players get destroyed and be quiet about it? For the fuckin' nickel-dime people that turn up? The motherfuckers don't even work. That's why they're out at the fuckin' game. They oughta go out and get a fuckin' job and find out what it's like to go out and go out and earn a fuckin' living.

Rip them motherfuckers. Rip them fuckin' cocksuckers like the fuckin' players. We got guys bustin' their fuckin' ass, and them fuckin' people boo. They talk about the great fuckin' support the players get around here. I haven't seen it this fuckin' year.


MPF004: Hey Lee, let me just remind you that Iowa plays on Saturday. Most people have that day off work. Getting back to the on-field performance: every single loss came down to Iowa giving up the lead in the fourth quarter. What happened in those crucial drives?

Elia: Don’t ask me about any specific play, I won’t answer it. I’m not going to talk about specific fuckin’ plays. The name of the game is get the fuckin’ job done. Every time we lose a fuckin’ close game, it’s magnified: why did this Stanzi throw that pass, or and that guy drop a pass, or this guy fumble… that’s college football fellas. That’s going to happen, that’s how touchdowns are scored. That’s how the fuckin’ balance goes cock-eyed. That’s the difference between victory and defeat. All these motherfuckin’ editorials about Stanzi and Clayborn and fuckin’ … ah … the “here we go again” and all that shit, it's sickening.

MPF004: Well that about sums it up. Thank you, Lee Elia, for coming onto the blog today.

Elia: #*@&. Go Hawks.

EVANSTON INVASION: Revenge On the Nerds

As a Big Ten fan, you have a complicated relationship with the other conference teams. Some programs/coaches you respect (Penn State, Michigan State until the handling of the Chris L. Rucker situation). Some are legit border rivalries (Minny, Wisky, soon to be Nebraska). Some, to quote Craig Finn, "I couldn't find the hate and I couldn't find the fear" (Indiana, Purdue). Some you just flat out hate 24/7/365.

And then there's Northwestern.

The nerds in purple used to be a reliable "W" on the schedule (season series is a comfortable 45-22-3 lead). During my formative years of watching Hawkeye football, we won 14 straight. And when you live in Chicago, it's so easy to take the Red/Purple up to that dinky little high school stadium of theirs. Back in the good ol' days (2001), I went to a game with Rich and Kary (Hawkeye fans from the hometown) and we won 59-16. We spent the first half of the game actively watching and cheering, and the second half talking, occasionally being interrupted by oh hey look we scored another touchdown. It was fun, and easy to make fun of them as the school we kept in the Big Ten to keep the conference's grades up.

And then Fitzgerald happened.


In the four years he's been coach, he's beaten Iowa three times. And it's not like he's ever had the better team:

• In 2009, we were 9-0, ranked No. 8 in the country, high off that amazing win over Indiana, and then Corey Wooton crunched Ricky Stanzi's ankle, and it all went to hell. The pain is still strong, and fuels my motivation to win on Saturday. We finished 11-2 and won the Orange Bowl; they finished 8-5.
• In 2008, Shonn Greene had his usual 100-yard game but Iowa had turnover-itis and lost by 5 points. We finished 9-4 and won the Outback Bowl; they were 9-4 and lost their lesser bowl.
• In 2006 we were in the middle of a meltdown season, and they came into our house and beat us by two touchdowns. We finished 6-6 and went to a bowl we frankly didn't deserve; they finished 4-8.

Why did this happen? Mostly, because Fitzgerald Hates Iowa. He will never say as much in public, of course, but Hawkeye State aka Patrick Vint explains in this essay that it dates back to his playing days. And while we must acknowledge he has brought the program to Barnett-era levels of achievement, he has a particular hard-on for Iowa, and motivates his team to beat Iowa unlike any other opponent out there.

Basically: they are a smarter, in-conference version of Iowa State. Their whole fucking season revolves around beating Iowa. Despite inferior talent and lesser prestige, they see us as the only metric for their program.

As if the coach wasn't bad enough, NU fans are the nouveau-riche of college football, refusing to acknowledge anything that happened before 1995 (note to NU fans: you sucked). They never fill up that tiny stadium unless Ohio State, Michigan State or Iowa comes to town.They are the hammer and sickle to our Stars and Stripes, the ruble to our dollar. They are dirty communists (elitist, Gucci-wearing commies).


All of which is a way of saying WE'RE GOING STREAKING IN THE QUAD tailgating on enemy turf before the Iowa-justNorthwestern game Saturday. We've got a couple things in our favor. For starters, TM will be at the game, and Iowa is undefeated when she's in attendance.

TM was there. Probably took this picture.

For another, Ricky Stanzi is a senior and has cut down on the Stanziballs. Adam Robinson is back after missing last week with an injury. We need this game to stay in the Big Ten conference championship conversation. And TMMPF is hosting the pregame party.

So if you're anywhere in the Central Time Zone, you're invited to our tailgate Saturday morning. Reach out to any either co-author for contact info. Say "Fitzgerald is a dirty commie bastard" and drink free all morning, on me. The Hawkeyes, and America, will thank you.

Note: credit for the "empty seat" photo, and general inspiration/support, goes to Black Heart Gold Pants.

Voice of the People

I was surprised, that day in class, when my accounting professor said he felt the most important function in a company is marketing.

This was significant for two reasons. The prof, Ram Ramanan (winner of the 2004 "Best of MPF" award for Best Class), had been known to take good-natured shots at marketing as a discipline, razzing it for being all overlapping circles and pryamids and touchy feely concepts like "brand." The second is that it's uncommon for one member of a team to acknowledge that a different division of the team is more important, or the most important. Of course, all departments have to work in synch for the organization to be successful. But how often do you hear, for example, the running backs coach or the linebackers coach of a college football team admit a different unit is the most crucial to success? (It's the offensive line.)

But over time I've come to realize Ram is right. The core of the company is understanding what the customer wants, and then giving it to them. Finance, accounting, R&D, operations ... they are all important pieces, and the business would fall apart without them. But they are all supporting the mechanism of delivering the goods to the person with the dough (the customer). Even your sales force, often assumed to be the key department, is merely the external-facing group that communicates or delivers the firm's value proposition: not defines and refines it.

This primacy of marketing came to mind when thinking about two incredibly stupid ads recently, and how smart companies will listen to the customer, even after a mistake.

The first is the evocative image of orange drapery falling over icons of the American landscape like the Hoover Dam and the Gateway Arch, to the moody music of Nick Drake.



If you lived in New York City last decade, or if you have a vague awareness of the art world, you probably know of the artist Christo, famous for hanging brightly colored drapery off large things. His "Gates" exhibit in Central Park was by all accounts a smashing success, adding bursts of color to a drab winter cityscape.

Not part of this essay, but I should point out that living in New York City sucks 12 months per year, but moreso in the winter. I can only imagine how this brightened people's shitty days.

You've probably seen before today the ad in question, from AT&T. Many art lovers (and intellectual-property lawyers, probably) asked themselves if Christo had been consulted or compensated.

It appears that AT&T made no effort to reach out to the artist before the ad was filmed. While this was narrow-minded of AT&T, they at least had the sense to add a disclaimer at the end of the ad. The credit to the original artist was added eventually, but not until after the outcry.

A more direct feedback can be seen in the case of the smarmy State Farm guy. What can possibly compete with ducks, lizards and the guy who was the black president on TV before Obama was the black president in real life? How about an obnoxious Tom Cruise lookalike who wanders through cafes and interrupts people?

I can only hope that State Farm read the Slate article, or otherwise heard consumer feeback to create this reponse, where she interrupts him:



Your lesson, Corporate America: Listen to your audience. If you make a dumb ad, pull it and make amends.

Today in Blog History

I wrote this.

Looking back on it, it's funny to see how much disdain there was, with only one season (and one NCAA investigation) under his belt. If anything, that disgust-bordering-on-hate has grown, because when I see him, all I see is a white hillbilly version of Tyrone Willingham: an outsider who JUST FUCKING DOESN'T GET IT, the "it" in this case being the tradition and history of the program he's running right into the ground. (Not that I mind terribly. But they should fail with one of their own, like ND did with Charlie.)

Anyway, to hell with him. I hope he goes 0-12. (Yes, even Massachusetts, Bowling Green and Indiana.)

The Old Grey Lady Is Dead to Me

New York Times, you used to be a shining light in journalism. A model of success that everyone in the industry looked up to. I don't know what's happened to you in the last few years: first Jayson Blair, then this brain fart that you managed to make twice.

But this most recent fuckup is unforgivable.

In an article about how the University of Iowa overbooked its freshman class, I see this correction (click for bigger):

It's the Hawkeye State, you arrogant Gotham assholes. If you can't get your facts straight, stay out of "flyover country." We'll be just fine without you.

News Roundup, All-Star Break Version

We just completed the Midsummer Classic. I pulled these All-Star stories off the news wire. --MPF.

All-Star Game 'Counts' for Just 6% of National League
ANAHEIM, Calif. (AP) - Despite Major League Baseball's advertisements that "this time" the All-Star Game "counts," 94% of the victorious National League couldn't care about the exhibition's outcome.

"It counts, huh?" asked Diamondbacks outfielder Chris Young, whose team is 17.5 games out of first place. "Counts for what? I'm pretty sure nothing changes for me."

Marlon Byrd of the Chicago Cubs concurred. "Umm, yeah, our league won. That's nice." Byrd, who drew a walk and scored from first on Brian McCann's double, said he "probably would not" notice the home field advantage of the National League in the 2010 World Series.


Nervous Relatives Checking on Yogi Berra 5 Times a Day
NEW YORK (AP) - Hall of Famer Yogi Berra, age 85, has been receiving near-constant attention from family members in recent days, his neighbors reported.

"No reason," stammered Jodi Weise, 34, granddaughter of the Yankees legend, as she shoved a copy of the New York Daily News with obituaries of Bob Sheppard and George Steinbrenner into her purse. "He's just, you know, my grandpa. And um, he's old. And, you know, we love him."

Other relatives insisted that bad luck does not happen in threes, and that they were going to Yankees Stadium this week "just for the game" and not any pregame ceremonies involving recent losses to the organization.

Berra, when reached for comment, said: "It's ain't over til ... fat lady .... or ... where's that duck, now? Isn't that his line?"


MLB Nicknames Stephen Strasburg 'Lebron'
WASHINGTON (AP) - Commissioner Bud Selig announced Friday that Major League Baseball had decided on "Lebron" as the nickname for Nationals phenom pitcher Stephen Strasburg.

"Everytime I logged on to AOL, my News Alerts kept coming up with Lebron this, Lebron that. This Lebron thing is obviously very hot. And Strasburg is hot." Senior MLB officials said off the record that other nicknames Selig considered were "Twilight," "Britney," "Mad Men" and "BP."

Selig added that the nickname wasn't final, however.

"I need to figure out if it's LEBB-rin, or Leh-BRAWN. And if it's the latter, we need to translate what the bron means in French. This is America's game, after all."

Strasburg, 20, reportedly rolled his eyes when informed by Manager Jim Riggleman and quietly asked, "Can I just go pitch, please?"


Trivia Question During All-Star Game Stumps Girardi
ANAHEIM, Calif. (AP) - Trivia master and baseball commentator Tim McCarver scored another win Tuesday, when he baffled AL Manager Joe Girardi with a question about a player's living arrangements.

"It was great," said McCarver, as he basked in his minor-knowledge supremacy after stumping Girardi, who had been occupied managing in the middle of the All-Star Game. "I asked him who Cliff Lee, now with the Texas Rangers, but previously with the Seattle Mariners, rented a house from while in Seattle. Because, you know, those are both American League teams, and he was the American League manager."

When informed the answer was former Mariner and current Philadelphia Phillie Jamie Moyer, the Yankee skipper said, "Huh."

McCarver declined to ask Girardi a Moyer-related follow-up question, such as who is his famous father-in-law, because, McCarver said, "Everybody knows the answer is Digger Phelps."

Soooo .... What About Last Saturday?

When words fail, good thing there's Mike, Michael and Peter.

We all fall down.

Speak Up Against Morons

It's not nice to pick on stupid people. Protecting and respecting the weak is one thing that separates us from the rest of the brutes in the animal kingdom.

But it's also ethical to point out dangerous situations that could hurt a great number of people, like calling the police and electric company about a downed power line. In today's case, the latter imperative outweighs the former consideration.

Sunday there was a change of power, when GOP darling Sarah Palin quit her job before finishing her first term as governor. In her parting speech, one that surely had George Washington gritting his wooden teeth, she threw a dart at the media:

“One other thing for the media, our new governor has a very nice family, too, so leave his kids alone,” said the not-quite one-term head of state.

Former Mayor Palin got several things wrong here. First of all, being governor of a small population state does not attract media attention. When she was head of state, her kids were left alone. No one had heard of her, much less her brood. However, running for vice president of the United States, with a light political resume and a 72-year old (on Election Day 2008) running mate, does draw media attention.

Before you (you, Sarah, not the media) made the decision to run for such a public position, one that draws intense scrutiny under the best circumstances, did you discuss the repercussions with your family? I mean, this guy did.

And the media would have been fine to leave your kids alone, except for the fact that one of your kids (not the media, Sarah, but your own unusually-named child) made the adult decision to draw attention to herself. The concept of irony may be lost on someone who reads "all" the newspapers, but the pregnant teenager of a politician who preaches no sex ed in schools and abstinence as the only option ...

"My Mommy is a moron!"

The danger I mentioned comes in the reaction of the audience she directed that comment to (most clearly not the media, who have* no desire to dissect Gov. Parnell's family life). It is the "red" audience: red meat issue-voracious, redneck culturally, red state geographically. They tune out or don't understand the complexities of the Palin situation, noticing only that she ripped off a snappy line at a convenient target. That promotes fear, and distrust, and a breakdown in communication (either this or this), and ultimately weakens our nation.

Sam encourages you to stay vigilant against demagoguery or anything else that harms intelligent discourse in our country.

* -- Occasional proper grammar use is at the sole discretion of the blog proprietor.

Attack of the Bedbugs!

(Two titular punctuation marks in one day!)

Anyway, it's confirmed: we have bugs.


For several days now, my one-time co-author suspected something more serious than mosquitoes was biting her: large red welts surrounded her itchier-than-normal marks. She zeroed in on bedbugs as a theory, but I was suspicious: if so, why wasn't I getting bit?*

She finally found what she believed to be an actual bug sighting late Saturday, and called the landlady on Sunday. On Monday the landlady called the exterminators and relayed our situation.

The exterminator came today and sprayed everything in the apartment. They did find bedbugs, so we know definitively. But: now there is a thin layer of the chemical spray residue (allegedly safe for humans and pets) over everything. Floors. Tables, couches and chairs. My laptop, nightguard, and Steele. Even inside the closed drawers of our dressers. If I wasn't so lazy and technically incompetent, I'd take and transfer photos of the mess so you could see what we're living with.

Them bastards.

The worst part is that to kill off any remaining bugs or eggs or larvae, we have to leave this layer of chemical residue on all the surfaces in the apartment for FIVE DAYS. I can tolerate the odor all right (it kinda smells like a furniture factory, a pungent chemical scent), but I also don't stay here all day. So TM and the cat are going to Ohio for a few days to get away from it, leaving me home alone with a frozen pizza and the caking of dust everywhere.

It'll be a bit nutty around here for a few days. Bear with us, and please feel free to invite me over to your house for dinner or drinks or something ... I'll entertain all options that don't involve the stench of insecticide.

---

* -- The answer: I was getting bit, I just didn't have as many bites, and didn't react as violently as she did.

Local News Roundup

I pulled the top stories off the news wire. --MPF.

Driver on Cell Phone Stops for Pedestrians at Intersection
CHICAGO (AP) – Onlookers watched in shock today as a driver talking on a cell phone came to an unprecedented complete stop before almost running down two pedestrians.

The near-accident occurred around 11 am at the corner of Diversey Boulevard and Sheffield Avenue on the city’s North Side. A black Cadillac southbound on Sheffield making a legal right turn entered the intersection as two individuals also attempted to cross the street.

“I looked to my left and saw this woman gabbing away,” said one pedestrian, who only gave his name as “Matt.” “We were already a couple steps into the crosswalk, and I thought we were goners. Cell phone drivers never stop for anybody.”

Witnesses said the driver was a blonde woman in her mid-40s. She gave no indication that she saw the pedestrians, given her animated cell phone conversation.

“I just thank my lucky stars she wasn’t painting her nails,” said the other pedestrian, who gave her name as “Teresa.”

The driver could not be identified, as she continued talking and steering after the near-miss.


Clueless Nerd Can’t Figure Out Why Shatner, Nimoy Look So Young
CHICAGO (AP) – Clueless nerd Lance Allerby, 48, wondered aloud how the makers of the newest “Star Trek” movie made aging actors William Shatner and Leonard Nimoy appear so youthful. “Those guys have to be in their 70s,” mused Allerby. “The TV show first came out in 1966. Is it computer tricks, or did they splice together old clips from the early years of the series?” Psychologists at the University of Illinois-Chicago encouraged Allerby to get out a little and perhaps talk to girls.


Drew Peterson Now Wishes He Hadn’t Been So Smug
BOLINGBROOK, Ill. (AP) – In his first jailhouse interview since being arrested for the death of his third wife, Drew Peterson admitted he should not have been so cavalier with the media while under suspicion.

“Looking back on it, I probably shouldn’t have taunted authorities like that,” Peterson told reporters. “The mugging for cameras, the morning show blitz, the stunt with the new fiancée … that probably just pissed people off.” Peterson, who was reportedly set to appear in an HBO reality show about a brothel, agreed that the idea of drowning in an empty bathtub “was pretty weak, but what does it say about law enforcement in Illinois that it took them five years to get me?”

Fellow unconvicted double-murderer Orenthal James Simpson, 61, of Las Vegas, was unavailable for comment, as he was being held at the Lovelock Correctional Center in Lovelock, Nev., on charges relating to a September 2007 robbery.


Michigan's State Economy Now Based On ‘Pure Michigan’ Ads
CHICAGO (AP) – At a regional economic development conference here, Michigan officials announced that the health of the state economy is now dependent on evocative “Pure Michigan” advertisements. “With the near-collapse of the auto industry, it’s time to remember a childhood swimming hole,” Gov. Jennifer Granholm said slowly, with a dreamy piano tinkling in the background. After a pause, she added, “Play some golf. Find the perfect antique. Don’t mention Detroit. Have the perfect romantic getaway.” Economic development director Stanley "Skip" Pruss acknowledged that the ubiquitous ads incur more expense in airing than tourism revenue generates.

Jersey Boys

When we moved from Chicago to New York, we decided to live in Manhattan to get the full-fledged New York experience. Because really, why move to New York ... but live in Brooklyn. Or move to New York but live in ... Jersey. If you're gonna do it, do it.

Apparently that philosophy does not apply to ex-Cubs. Thanks to Morthas, the Greek god of collecting, for pointing out the Newark Bears. (Not the existence of, which I already knew, but the current composition.) The 2009 Bears have FOUR ex-Cubs on the roster. Plus the website is chock-full of interesting tidbits about the players. Considering how odd today is, let's take a closer look at the players and some odd facts.

Panda attempts to explain all the ex-Cubs.

Let's start with Darryle Ward, thought to be out of baseball or at least munching on a piece of high-caloric food somewhere. He's on the Bears.

Little known fact: Ward spent the 2009 spring training with the "Cincinnatie Reds."

Bobbie Hill! Holy hell, would you have ever guessed that Bobby Hill was still playing baseball for money? We traded our "second baseman of the future" and Jose Hernandez to the Pirates to get Kenny Lofton and a third baseman named Ramirez. At least THAT guy is still around.

Hill upon learning he was drafted by the Cubs.

Little known fact: This is Hill's second go-round in Newark: "Originally a second round draft pick for the Chicago Cubs, Hill instead decided to play for the Newark Bears. In 2000, Hill hit .326 with 13 homeruns and 82 runs batted in for the Bears. ... Hill was signed by the Chicago Cubs and played in the major leagues from 2002-2003."

Michael Tucker! Tucker played for the Cubs in 2001, making him one of the oldest ex-Cubs still active. (By my count, only Ross Gload from the 2000 team is still around, with David Weathers and Julian Tavarez also representing 2001.)

Little known fact: "Tucker hit the first homerun ever at Turner Field and collected the last base hit ever at Milwaukee's County Stadium."

Finally:

Bobby Brownlie. This kid was a first-round draft pick of the Cubs in 2002. Now there many reasons why the Cubs will never win the BCS National Championship of Baseball, aka the World Series. Let's look at the 2002 draft for one.

Baseball, more than football or basketball, will always have first-round flameouts due to the difficult nature of projecting talent. But by my count, at least 13 first-round picks from 2002 have become regular players in the bigs, guys like Cole Hamels (Phillies), Scott Kazmir (drafted Mets/now Devil Rays), Prince Fielder (Brewers), and Jeff Francoeur (Braves). Several others are at least in the bigs in some capacity still, like B.J. Upton (Devil Rays) and Denard Span (Twins). And where is the Cubs first round pick? Newark.

Wait a minute, who drafted this guy?

By the way, it's not just Andy McPhail's fault. Ed Lynch and Hendry are on the hook too. Look at this heaping pile of success since Kerry Wood was the No. 4 overall pick in 1995:

1996: Todd Noel
1997: Jon Garland
1998: Corey Patterson
1999: Ben Christensen
2000: Luis Montanez
2001: Mark Prior
2002: Bobby Brownlie
2003: Ryan Harvey
2004; No Selection (that guy sucks)
2005: Mark Pawelek
2006: Tyler Colvin
2007: Josh Vitters
2008: Andrew Cashner

We were so optimistic ... so gullible.

And if you're thinking it's too early to judge the more recent picks, well, Jacoby Ellsbury (2005), Tim Lincecum (2006) and David Price (2007) may disagree. (Seriously, go watch that Ellsbury video if you haven't seen it yet.)

There's Hope For Me Yet

Or, Why I Hope Twitter Is The "XFL" Of This Decade


In job-hunting, as in dating or life overall, you want to emphasize your strong points in the hope that you possess a desired trait. For me, that skill is the savvy use of words and the English language to convey abstract or complex concepts.

In this New York Times interview, the CEO of Delta Air Lines, a guy named Richard Anderson, confirms that dropping random words on a PowerPoint slide is insufficient to succeed in business. "It’s not just enough to be able to just do a nice PowerPoint presentation," he said. "You’ve got to have the ability to pick people. You’ve got to have the ability to communicate."

This guy is my new hero.

A selected passage:

Q. And is there any change in the kind of qualities you’re looking for compared with 5, 10 years ago?

A. I think this communication point is getting more and more important. People really have to be able to handle the written and spoken word. And when I say written word, I don’t mean PowerPoints. I don’t think PowerPoints help people think as clearly as they should because you don’t have to put a complete thought in place. You can just put a phrase with a bullet in front of it. And it doesn’t have a subject, a verb and an object, so you aren’t expressing complete thoughts.

And a lot of what we do in communication, when you write e-mail, you need to express yourself very clearly so people understand whether we’re going to L.A. today or we’re going to Boston today.

Mr. Anderson, are you hiring in Chicago?

Uncool

THIS IS BULLSHIT:


If you missed it, last night a cat ran onto the playing field, juked around for a while, and got captured by this guy. He had the cat cradled safely in his arms, but then the cat wriggled away, and the dude did ... that.

Just for the record, you do NOT pick up a cat by the tail. If you ever come across a cat, even a cat who shouldn't be where he is (like a major league baseball field), you still must treat the animal with kindness and basic decency.

One would be tempted to give the guy the benefit of the doubt--perhaps he panicked with 40,000 people watching him trying to corral a cat. But then I read this:

Of course, the security team at Wrigley hasn't undergone much in the way of emergency cat apprehension training. Cubs spokesman Peter Chase said he felt the employees did well under the circumstances.

El Wrong-o. I have seen a different cat in the neighborhood, running through the alley and ducking into Wrigley Field via Gate L. This cat is orange-yellow all over; last night's cat was white with black and orange spots. (Ours, since Finley asked, is black and white all over.) So yeah, you ARE going to need to learn how to handle cats if you work at Wrigley Field.

Being nice to cats: it's part of your job, and it's part of your life.

This mistreatment of my fellow cat makes me disgusted.... I need a beer.

XRT Learns Its Lesson

I have railed, in private and on TEH INTERNETS, about the stupidity of having a British band headline the XRT Free Fourth of July Concert, aka the Independence Day concert, aka the day we declared freedom from the British.

After several years of American artists (like Counting Crows, Indigo Girls, Wilco, Moby I think*, John Mayer), last year XRT chose Gomez as the headliner. It must have pained the organizers to see two Texas favorites, Alejandro Escovedo and Old 97’s, thrill the crowd for two hours, which then headed en masse for the exits. I’ve never seen so many people leave before a concert is over.

Pictorial representation of the crowd between Old 97's and Gomez, Petrillo Bandshell, approx. 5pm, 7/4/2008.

Apparently XRT has learned from its mistakes, however blatantly stupid they are: This morning Lin Brehmer announced this year’s headliner: Mr. Buddy Guy!

Yes, Buddy Guy, who was born in Louisiana and resides right here in Chicago, Illinois. Buddy Guy, who plays 20 or so shows every January at the club he owns in the South Loop, Buddy Guy’s Legends. Buddy Guy, a real hometown hero. Take that, limeys.

Now THIS is a man you want headlining a Chicago concert in honor of America.

To celebrate properly, here’s Buddy Guy’s classic from 1991, “My Friend, You Are Absolutely Fucking Correct That I Indeed Have the Blues,” a title shortened by censors and editors down to “Damn Right, I’ve Got the Blues.”

Click here to play “Damn Right, I’ve Got the Blues.”

If you prefer Buddy with pictures, here's a Youtube of "Five Long Years."



* I think he played, not I think he's American. He’s from New York NY which despite its worldly feel is technically part of America.