Supreme Court to Stop Written Rulings, Use LOLCats

WASHINGTON (Reuters) -- Citing the general downturn in the nation's reading comprehension, the U.S. Supreme Court announced that it would replace its written interpretations of law with captioned photos posted on the Internet.

Supreme Court rulings are often considered the most important texts produced by the country's judiciary system, with observations and precedents that will resonate down through the generations. The photos, known as "LOLcats," are best known for expressing a humorous thought in a single photo and brief text.

The most anticipated case of the current term, the review of the 2010 healthcare act, is expected to be the first ruling issued as a LOLcat. The hearings were in late March, but most court observers now believe the wait for a ruling, coming in late June, was not to write the opinion but to find the perfect photo of a hospital, doctor's office or ambulance.

   

Dred Scott v. Sandford, 1857.

Legal scholars and observers were split on the court's new direction.

"On the one hand, it creates a new realm of expression and precedent for judicial thought," said Carl Winterborough, the Harold K. Marr Distinguished Professor of Law at Georgetown University. "On the hand, using LOLcats? Lol, whatevs."

 

Miranda v. Arizona, 1966.

"Citizens used to discuss with each other the impact that Supreme Court rulings had in their lives," noted Deena Bartz, reporter for the Washington Post who covers the Court. "But in an age of reality TV, Twitter and immediate hyper-reaction, this seems like a logical conclusion. Besides, the online judicial commentariat, the so-called 'SCOTUS-bloggers,' will end up making LOLcats about the opinions anyway. The Court is just cutting out the middleman." 

Others felt the move had great potential.

"This is fantastic," said Juan Gonzalez, owner of the ScotusRules.com fanblog. "No more tedious reading through dozens of pages of yammering text, this case or that case, this law or that squiggle symbol. Just a good ol' straightforward rendering of constitutionality, with pictures and bad spelling. I hope they use lots of kittens."

 

   

Roe v. Wade, 1973.

A poll of current law students showed that 92% favored the change, replying via text message that the visual-based issuances would be "OMG gr8 yesss". However, the recently retired John Paul Stevens was said to be weeping softly in his home, upon hearing the news.

Citizens United v. Federal Election Commission, 2010.

Speak Up Against Morons

It's not nice to pick on stupid people. Protecting and respecting the weak is one thing that separates us from the rest of the brutes in the animal kingdom.

But it's also ethical to point out dangerous situations that could hurt a great number of people, like calling the police and electric company about a downed power line. In today's case, the latter imperative outweighs the former consideration.

Sunday there was a change of power, when GOP darling Sarah Palin quit her job before finishing her first term as governor. In her parting speech, one that surely had George Washington gritting his wooden teeth, she threw a dart at the media:

“One other thing for the media, our new governor has a very nice family, too, so leave his kids alone,” said the not-quite one-term head of state.

Former Mayor Palin got several things wrong here. First of all, being governor of a small population state does not attract media attention. When she was head of state, her kids were left alone. No one had heard of her, much less her brood. However, running for vice president of the United States, with a light political resume and a 72-year old (on Election Day 2008) running mate, does draw media attention.

Before you (you, Sarah, not the media) made the decision to run for such a public position, one that draws intense scrutiny under the best circumstances, did you discuss the repercussions with your family? I mean, this guy did.

And the media would have been fine to leave your kids alone, except for the fact that one of your kids (not the media, Sarah, but your own unusually-named child) made the adult decision to draw attention to herself. The concept of irony may be lost on someone who reads "all" the newspapers, but the pregnant teenager of a politician who preaches no sex ed in schools and abstinence as the only option ...

"My Mommy is a moron!"

The danger I mentioned comes in the reaction of the audience she directed that comment to (most clearly not the media, who have* no desire to dissect Gov. Parnell's family life). It is the "red" audience: red meat issue-voracious, redneck culturally, red state geographically. They tune out or don't understand the complexities of the Palin situation, noticing only that she ripped off a snappy line at a convenient target. That promotes fear, and distrust, and a breakdown in communication (either this or this), and ultimately weakens our nation.

Sam encourages you to stay vigilant against demagoguery or anything else that harms intelligent discourse in our country.

* -- Occasional proper grammar use is at the sole discretion of the blog proprietor.

2000 Words: Presidential First Pitch Form

Who do you want as a confident, athletic, "bring the heat" leader of the free world when throwing out the first pitch: this guy ...


or this guy?

Real American Heroes 2009

While I try to figure out where the last three weeks went, it's time to take a moment to celebrate America. Today is our 233rd birthday, and I'd like to acknowledge the Real American Heroes that make this country great.

Thomas Jefferson (from Virginia). For writing the Declaration of Independence. Go read it right now.


John Locke (from Tustin, California). For originally espousing all the ideas that Jefferson stole in writing the Declaration of Independence.


Windell Middlebrooks (from California I believe). For living, and encouraging, the High Life.

"Step aside mon ami."

David Hoffman and Ben Joravsky. Apparently the only two men in town willing to stand up to Mayor Richard M. Daley, the most autocratic mayor since this guy. More vigilance and attention to the dysfunctional, corrupt, wasteful form of government here will open more eyes to the fact that we cannot afford, and simply do not deserve, the Olympics.

This is Hoffman. I assume Joravsky remains unphotographed for his personal safety.

Buddy Guy. Born in Louisiana, rocking his adopted hometown of Chicago today, on Independence Day.

And rocking this pink shirt, too.

Barack Obama (Chicago, via Hawaii). For many things: repairing the damage done to our nation's image after eight years of destruction by the Bush administration, for starters. But to make this list: he wrote an excuse note for a Green Bay child named Kennedy, who skipped school to hear the president speak.

Obama: Making it cool again for kids to want to grow up to be president since 2009.

The Mouse executive who made the decision to pull this blowhard off college football broadcasts. Next, can we get rid of the guy with the biggest Cool Name-to-Awful Talent gap on the planet?

Craig Finn (Minneapolis). For writing the songs that rock my world. For giving voice to Midwesterners in New York City. It's great to see you back in a bar band, baby.

(photo taken by TM, 6/19/09 ... more on this concert soon.)

It's our birthday, Americans ... if it's hot enough where you are, enjoy a popsicle.


You'll notice I didn't mention this guy or this guy ... definitely heroes, but too obvious.

Things I'm Not Paying Attention To

Some people start a blog to inform the world what they ate for breakfast and what they think about crap like Mentos*. Some people start a blog to praise their favorite band or something else they care deeply about. Few blogs will discuss what's currently being ignored...

Things I'm not paying attention to, February 2009 edition.

The Oscars. Despite my recently documented passion for movies, I could care less about the Oscars. I like to restrict my Oscar paying-attention-to to decade-old Dennis Miller monologues. In a few weeks someone will win, someone will lose, and a few weeks after that no one will give a shit or even remember who won.

The economic stimulus package. Being out of work, it is possible that I should care. However, the size and scope of the plan has been changing constantly over the past couple weeks. I've been a fan of Obama since the last time I wasn't paying attention, but I just can't muster attention here. This is the federal government we're talking about. It will be months before they get to the projects funded by the stimulus, and it appears to be mostly infrastructure: building roads, bridges, schools. Admirable projects, but I don't want to build a bridge this fall, I want to get to work now.

PRESIDENT Obama. It's been a few weeks, and it is still pretty mindblowing to hear those words.

Who's coming to town (musically speaking). This is due to being low on money, and this is sad. I've already missed Kathleen Edwards, Rhett Miller and a road trip to Southgate House. I just can't pay attention to who else I'll miss.

The rules of the Grammys. How can a record released in 2007 win best album in 2009? I mean, I guess they have their rationale, but it's bullshit to me. If you're going to call it an award for 2008, make it for albums released in 2008.

Darwin's birthday. I guess he's 200 years old or something. Not sure why people care. Did he ever free the slaves? No. What's he famous for anyway? He wrote some book about fruit: Oranges and Peaches. Big deal. I've read the book of Genesis, and I didn't see his name once.

The Allman Brothers don't know from oranges, but they do have some advice for Mr. Darwin.

Oh, and a late-breaking thing to not pay attention to: Brett Farve, Favruh, whatever. Can this guy just quit, please, and mean it?

*--Lame.

Warning to America's Governors!

Attention, 48 of the country's 50 state chief executives:

If I move to your state, be very, very afraid.

In the early 2000s, I lived in Illinois. The governor was George Ryan. He'd been the secretary of state where he ran a corrupt shop: driver's licenses were available for bribes. He eventually became governor but left in disgrace and was later convicted of all corruption counts at his 2006 trial. Ryan had been a pharmacist in downstate Kankakee before entering political life. So while he didn't run on a clean government platform per se, he at least had a wholesome, small-town biography.

Felon.

In late 2005 I moved to New York. The governor was George Pataki, but his term was ending and the new guy was clearly going to be Eliot Spitzer. He was the successful attorney general who made his reputation going after Wall Street firms and other high profile corporate crime. He promised to clean up government in New York State. In fact, a campaign slogan was "Day One, everything changes." Spitzer was elected governor in a landslide in November 2006.

Well, we know how that ended. As David Letterman put it last night: "You remember Eliot Spitzer, right? ... he likes whores." And just like that, he was gone.

Dumbass.

In 2007 I moved back to Illinois. The governor (for now!) is Rod Blagojevich. He had been my U.S. Representative when I lived in Chicago the first time, before becoming governor in 2003. He ran in the wake of the George Ryan scandal, and promised to clean up state government. And, uh, his entire reign as governor has been clouded by ethical scandals. From Tony Rezko to pay-to-play to Public Official A, it is fair to say he over-promised and under-delivered.

Now comes this morning: the feds arrested Gov. Rod on federal corruption charges.

Don't these guys learn?

Are you listening, chief executives? Clean up your act, lest MPF004 move to your state! Your career will be doomed!!!


Update: Good grief. I wrote this in jest early Tuesday morning, before we knew what was going on with Blago. Clearly the stuff he is accused of is far beyond what anyone suspected. It looks like you can add the Spitzer AND Ryan captions to Blago.

Week 11 Review/Week 12 Preview

Week 11 Review: The Kick Heard 'Round the BCS

Last Saturday, I didn't leave the house all day long. Good thing too, cause I saw this:

I will give credit to my friend Art, who predicted two weeks out that Iowa would upset Penn State and kept repeating his belief with an eerie calm. Personally, I didn't see it. I even settled in for a nap when Iowa turned momentum and an early 7-0 lead into a 13-7 deficit, late in the first half. Stanzi wasn't the Manzi until the fourth quarter, and he definitely wasn't mistake free. But it was great to see this team finally win a close game, and prove (to us, to the nation, to themselves) that they are better than their record would indicate.

The Irish played flat and lethargic in a game BC always gets up for. The defense gave up only 10 points. That should be good enough for a win, if your offense and special teams hold up their end. But that didn't happen, and now we sit at 5-4.

By the way, ignore all the noise in the press about Charlie ... it's a slow week and they need something to talk about. Wins against Navy and Syracuse (doable) and a loss to Southern California (count on it) means 7-5. And 7-5 with a bowl game, after 3-9 last year, is improvement I can live with.

Pick Six: Quigley followed up his great week with a crappy one, with losses by Clemson, Kansas, Illinois and Penn State (WOOO!). But his one win (Cincy) bumped the Bearcats back into the Top 25. I had four wins but the loss was Cal, who drops out of the rankings. TM was undefeated blah blah blah. The bottom line is that the cat has edged into second place. Let's go to the numbers:

Moving on ....

Hey, Michigan won. Congratulations, Meech, you have three wins, the same as Notre Dame last year.

Things are looking up for us here at West Virginia!

Also last week, the Big Ten came through on this promise:

So that's good. Also good? Nebraska. They beat Kansas to become bowl eligible. Congrats, Huskers! You and Obama are "in," Bush and Meechigan are "out."

Week 12 Preview: Who to Root Against on Saturday

As for this Saturday, Matt Hinton, the original Sunday Morning Quarterback (now blogging for money at Yahoo) pegged it accurately:

The only matchup of ranked teams is Florida against barely ranked South Carolina. So let's focus on the Big Ten, and how the Hawkeyes can improve themselves after that big win.

With only two games left, it is acceptable to look at the bowl picture and root for conference rivals to lose based on positioning reasons. This week's schedule clarifies good and evil pretty clearly:

• Indiana at No. 8 Penn State: don't care. It will be a big PSU win and it doesn't affect us.
• No. 11 Ohio State at Illinois: Illinois beat us (who knows how) and they're struggling. An OSU win boosts their chance of getting a BCS at-large bid. That would mean everyone in the Big Ten moves up a slot in the pecking order. Go Bucks!
  
  Technically my support this week comes from my Iowa half, not Notre Dame half. However, this is way too funny not to post.
  
  
• Northwestern at Michigan: As much as dislike I Meechigan, the hate will subside for three hours or so on Saturday. A Northwestern loss hurts their conference/bowl standing, whereas Michigan will continue to suck and be bowl-less win or lose.
• Minnesota at Wisconsin: Minny is way too high in the standings. A beatdown from Bucky will bring them back down to earth, and fill them with existential doubt heading into the finale with Iowa in the Humpty Dome.
• Michigan State: idle. Fine, don't play, see if I care.

Iowa will play Purdue. Let's break out the dwum:



Jay at Blue Gray Sky has already said his goodbyes for Joe Tiller. Good stuff. Purdue is sleepwalking through the year, they can't decide between Siller and Painter, and they haven't beaten anybody good this year. If Iowa plays like they did against Wisconsin and Penn State, we'll be fine. If they play like they did against Northwestern and Illinois, the fingernails will be nubs.

Notre Dame plays Navy in Baltimore.

I'm sure Igoe has no comment whatsoever about the latent homosexuality of the Middies.

Last year was a perfect storm of bad coaching (Weis), great coaching (Paul Johnson, now at Georgia Tech), a team that had quit (ND), a team that had everything to play for (the Navy seniors who recognized they had the chance of a lifetime), and other factors. And STILL it came down to a boneheaded decision by Weis to not kick a field goal for the win at the end of game. Instead, this happened: (not for the weak of heart, Irish fans)

And the game STILL went to three overtimes. This year, the normal order is restored. (There is a reason ND won 43 years in a row, and it's not luck or coincidence.) As of right now, I'm planning to watch this at the official ND Gamewatch here in Chicago. If you're around, stop on by!

Barack and Roll: Revisited

Back in April I predicted who some of my favorite artists would back for president. I thought it would be nice to take a quick look, the day before the election, at who these bands actually endorsed.

Bruce. It all started with this article about Bruce endorsing Barack Obama. The Boss stayed true to his word, introducing Obama at a rally in Ohio in the campaign's final weekend.


The Hold Steady: I didn't see or hear anything from the Steady this election season. I did get an email saying that the Koob (Tad Kubler) fell ill with pancreatitis, so maybe they were preoccupied. However, they are from blue-collar Catholic south Minneapolis, and they live in Brooklyn, probably the bluest borough in Gotham. No way they vote McCain.

Wilco: Umm, yeah, this was a no-brainer. They gave away a free song for those who pledge to vote. Republicans don't give anything away for free, except tax breaks to big corporations.


Patty Griffin: PG stayed under the radar this season too. No idea what she's thinking. Hopefully good thoughts.


R.E.M.: Obama.


Dylan: Back when I wrote this, I predicted Dylan wouldn't vote, cause at the end of the day, "Dylan will still be Dylan."

While I would like to think that everyone who is cool (not in the hipster Wicker Park sense, but the overall attitude towards life) would get behind Obama, I figured the famously aloof Dylan would remain aloof.

However! Lookee here! Dylan tells some newspaper in a foreign country that he likes Obama. Hopefully he's not just playing pranks on the European media ... he's done that before. AND he has a new two-disc record out. Double cool.


Old 97's: I passed on this one, but it turns out that they are ready for the end of the Bush years just like the rest of us.

Kelly Willis: No idea. Lives in Texas. Not a good sign.

Kathleen Edwards: Still Canadian. Still can't vote.

Gary Louris: He didn't say anything political when we saw him a couple weeks ago. Maybe he's sitting this one out.


A. Scott Miller: He has a song on his recent demo collection warning about "People Who Rule." Sounds like he's in the "Eight Is Enough" camp. On the other hand, in "I Been Drunk All Around the Town," he did acknowledge that even Republicans get the blues.

Zep: Still British. Still can't vote. (And apparently not touring, either. Damn.)

Josh Rouse: Unknown.

Dolly Varden: As if there was any doubt, I got this email from Steve Dawson the other day: "And for those of us on the radical fringe left, here's [a video clip of] Dolly Varden with Edward Burch at our 13th anniversary concert singing my ode to the Bush years: "Sold Down The River" ... now get out there and vote!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Poor John Maverick! Oh, but he did get one rocker endorsement: the guitarist for criminally underappreciated and underplayed on FM radio Aerosmith*. The self-described "hardcore Republican" waited until five days before the election, or about ten months after the Iowa caucuses, to make his endorsement. Massachusetts, long considered a blue state, may now be on the verge of tipping red*. McCain also got Brady Quinn. Let's hope Ohio is able to overlook that.


* sarcasm.

Newspapers for Obama

On Saturday Alaska's largest newspaper (the Anchorage Daily News) endorsed Barack Obama for president.

Here is an excerpt:

"No matter the outcome in November, this election will mark a signal moment in the history of the 49th state. Many Alaskans are proud to see their governor, and their state, so prominent on the national stage.

Gov. Palin's nomination clearly alters the landscape for Alaskans as we survey this race for the presidency -- but it does not overwhelm all other judgment. The election, after all is said and done, is not about Sarah Palin, and our sober view is that her running mate, Sen. John McCain, is the wrong choice for president at this critical time for our nation.

Sen. Barack Obama, the Democratic nominee, brings far more promise to the office. In a time of grave economic crisis, he displays thoughtful analysis, enlists wise counsel and operates with a cool, steady hand."

In fact, if the election were based on newspaper endorsements alone Mr. Obama would win in a landslide.

According to Editor & Publisher the Obama/Biden ticket leads the McCain/Palin ticket by 194 to 82 in newspaper endorsements. In addition, several newspapers in key swing states (such as the Indianapolis Star and the Ann Arbor News) have decided not to endorse a candidate.

Newspapers are a dying institution in America and you, kind reader, might not care what they say... but I do.

Why do newspaper endorsements matter? I think it should be noted that many fine journalists spent many hours researching, interviewing and observing the candidates before making these choices. And as this E&P columnist found, endorsements may have actually had an impact in the key battleground states in 2004.

I don't think it is any secret who the editors of TMMPF support. Know, though, that regardless of our leanings we feel that, as voters, it is our responsibility to be as informed as possible.

With that in mind, TMMPF endorses reading the endorsements in your college/local/independent/national newspaper. In fact it would probably be beneficial to read a few (google is your friend).

Use the E&P list to get some conflicting views, you never know what might catch your eye. As any good journalist will tell you, to be truly unbiased one needs to gather information from all possible sources.

And as a voter (we believe) this is our (and your) civic duty.

My Favorite Conference

I've written about politics. I've written about the Big Ten Network. But the two had not collided until now.

Fourteen months after launch, the Big Ten Network is coming through on its promise to provide non-athletic content. In their weekly email, they clued me in to the Big Ten Battleground Poll, a web site that follows what voters in the Heartland think--specifically about the presidential race.

And I'm so pround of the good, honest people of the Big Ten, cause in about a month they turned this (Sept. 19):


into this (Oct. 23).



Way to go, Big Ten! Now we just need to make it stick on November 4 (and maybe win a couple bowl games to shut up the fans of the SEC).

Check out the Big Ten Battleground Poll right here.

I Hate Dumb Ads (Or, Why Iowa Is Better Than Iraq)

I saw this ad today, and since I have a blog I can share with you how dumb and unfair it is.
This makes it sound like it's just as easy to go to Iraq as Iowa. There are many good reasons for going to Iowa. One is football. Another is the Field of Dreams. Another is that Iowans are the first to decide who they want to be president of the United States of America.

There are many reasons not to go to Iraq. One is war. Two is, ... yeah, it pretty much comes down to not getting yourself killed.

Let's not chastise Obama for going to Iowa 43 times more than Iraq, shall we? Aside from being a nicer place to live, they also speak English and it's much easier to get to (the Ike to I-88 to I-80). We'll have four, maybe eight years to pick on the guy, for probably much more valid reasons.

We even produced an American president, Mr. Vets for Freedom Dot Org. Hah!

The Importance of Ohio

Commenter83F has asked for a change of pace, something besides the flood of college football posts. There WILL be more college football, as the excitement of the season heats up. But for those seeking a little something different, here's a post on a topic slightly less important than the start of football.

The future of our country.

In the last two weeks, we've seen the next president of the United States (we think and hope) give a stirring oratory to 80,000 people in the only venue large enough to hold 80,000 people (a football stadium). And, we saw a 40-something PTA mom from a small town with almost no political experience explain why she should be a (72-year-old's) heartbeat away from the nuclear codes.

Vote if you want. Or don't vote, I don't care. Because I've been looking at the maps, and all I care about is: Ohio. (Someone get a tape recorder, I don't think I've ever said that before.)

The guy who runs this site called Electoral Vote has a thorough list of polls and projections. Here is his map as of today, September 5: (click to enlarge either map)

He's got a healthy electoral win for Obama, 301 to 224, with Virginia as a dead heat (13 electoral votes). He sees six states that went Bush in 2004 coming back to the positive side: Colorado, Iowa, Nevada, New Mexico, North Dakota and our all important Buckeyes (and Bobcats).

Now take a look at this map, from a GOP site called Federal Review (which I found via Election Projection, a site linked in fairness by the good guy at EV.)



Source: this linky right here.

(His projections suck, but I can't argue with his motto of "Solve the world's problems one beer at a time.") He sees a much closer race, with a gap of 11 and 29 tossups (Viriginia plus Montana, Colorado and New Hampsha.) As you can see, they basically disagree on four of the six potential swings (from Rep/Bush in 2004 to Dem/Obama in 2008), as he concedes IA and NM for now. The "small three": Colorado 9, Nevada 5, North Dakota 3. That's 17 electoral votes, vs. 20 from the "Big O" (or the "Big OH") itself.

Taking Ohio out of the McCain column in this Republican-biased Federal Review projection gives Obama the win with 280 votes. Even assuming all 29 ties swing to McCain, he only has 249 (start) - 20 (OH) + 29 (swings) = 258 without Ohio. I don't care how many henchmen you stack the Supreme Court with, that's a winnah for Obama.

Even Election Projection (currently scoring it 278-260) gives Ohio to McCain. Steal that back, and it's 298-240, a much more comfortable margin. Not like I want Obama to lose states like CO and IA...victories there would show his ability to win hippies and farmers, who rarely agree on anything. But with Ohio, it becomes a moot point.

So get out there and do what is necessary to deliver Ohio. Even if you aren't in a rock band.

More football coming soon!